Hey baby. That kid that you keep thinking about? He was so so bad for you. I won't even beat it around the bush, I'll just jump right into telling you the honest truth. He was a classic terrible relationship. That boy was controlling, emotionally manipulative, forceful, and borderline physically abusive.
Yeah. Stop making excuses in your head, got it? That's exactly the way he was.
He was scared to be alone. He came back to you. He might even come back again. It'll be even worse if you go back. Remember that.
You had your first cigarette today. It tasted bitter, just like you.
Remember all of those times he would push you into doing things you didn't want to? Whether it was physical stuff or not, he pushed and pushed and when you kept saying no, he'd say you didn't love him, that you wanted to, or he'd cry until you gave him his way. When you would compromise, it always had to be his way. When you were obviously, glaringly uncomfortable with something, he wouldn't notice, even though it was his JOB to notice those things and keep you safe from them. Even after he learned about what happened with her, he still pushed those things. He joked about it too, Allie. Goddamn it and you thought you loved him. How could you love that?
Remember when your leg muscles were tender and he touched them? You flinched and he asked what was wrong and when you wouldn't tell him BECAUSE IT DIDN'T MATTER, he grabbed you by the legs and squeezed them while pulling you to him. That was the first flash of fear you had. The first taste of what he could be like. Remember all those "Muay Thai" moves he'd use on you? God. Remember the little hits, the little shit he'd say to you that would just fucking eat away at you.
He. Is. Never. Going. To. Change.
He isn't even that interesting. Seriously, he's got the military, bikes and his martial arts. Yawwwwn.
Oh, but you would have stayed with him forever, wouldn't you? Because that's what he promised you. Your house and your three kids, Aspen Ann, Brooklyn Nicole and Tucker Alexander. The all night phone calls you would have. The things he helped you through. The sweet fucking lies he'd tell you.
Do you even recall what those nights were like though? Some of them ended in tears and he couldn't even tell. Some of them left you miserable, but you felt guilty for being miserable and so you ignored that emotion, making excuses for him, telling yourself YOU were the problem. Baby, that wasn't true. A boyfriend should make you happy all of the time.
Your subconscious knew you were secretly miserable and terrified and scared and insecure and it tried to tell you. You were miserable all the damn time, but the minute you talked to him everything was okay again. That wasn't because he made everything okay, it was because you weren't so desperately alone in that sea of misery THAT HE CREATED. All of those neurotic, jealous feelings you had went away completely after y'all broke up. You were okay again after y'all broke up. You only miss the attention he'd pay to you. But again, that's all just a part of his game to make you fall for him because he's afraid he'll end up alone.
He would call you names, Allie. Nutjob, freak, psycho. Yeah. You thought they were all in jest but come on. In every lie, there's a bit of truth. Allie, baby. Listen to me. He was so bad for you. Yeah, he paid attention to the little details about you. That seems sweet because he was the first one to ever do that for you but he didn't even TRY to work things out with you, he just left for another girl, AGAIN. That isn't love, sweetie. And look at you, you're so strong babygirl. You cut him out of your life, you put him in his place, you didn't give in when it counted and ohmygod that was incredible, honey! You laugh more than you used to, in my opinion. You still want to tell Montana when something funny or good happens, but that urge will go away. It has to. He won't be a part of your life forever. Instead he'll just be a lesson learned.
When you do find love-like, actual love-it is going to be so beautiful. I promise. It will never make you feel the way you did with him. That's okay. That is a GOOD thing.
Montana wanted sex. Sex and that is all. Not you, and everything that comes with you.
Montana is the worst guy ever. There are much better guys out there.
I mean, once you've scrapped the bottom of the barrel, it's pretty hard to get lower, y'know ;)
Smile. It's such a pretty smile. And that giggle, ohmygod. It makes you, baby.
You've got a good life. It's too good to waste on some hormone-controlled player. Love lasts. Look at Mrs. Conley's marriage. You WILL find love like that. How could you not?
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Friday, March 15, 2013
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Saturday, November 3, 2012
I'm alone
Last night, I skyped with M for a long time. And I was looking at him through my screen and feeling really optimistic about making this friendship work. It was going good. And then I went to bed and had 2 (TWO) dreams about him. We kissed both times and he picked me up and made me wrap my legs around him as we kissed and god it just felt so right and so good. I woke up in this funk I haven't been able to shake all day. I just feel...depressed. Like, I get that he loves her. I get that she makes him happy. I get that we're just friends. But I cannot stop thinking about him or wishing he was right beside me. This makes me a bad person. But when we met at the park, he kissed me on the cheek twice. And that just confused me. Because we were throwing each other in the snow and wrestling the way we used too and he kept coming up behind me and wrapping his arms around me the way he used to and when he dropped me off, he whispered "i'm being stupid, arent i" and i whispered "about what" and he said "her" and I took that to mean he was being stupid for going to her when he could have stayed with me but then when he left he promptly called her and it just hurts so much right now that i can't even see an end to it. this isn't okay. because while half of me knows i can't have him, the other half of me is screaming "well why not?" and everything i'm reading is saying "fight for love" but i can't because i refuse to do that to myself. i cannot keep doing this to myself. im killing myself and it feels exactly like drowning when you know theres a life preserver right next to you. i'm going to bed.
that's a lie.
i'm going to stay awake and make plans and make myself feel better before i sleep.
goodluck
that's a lie.
i'm going to stay awake and make plans and make myself feel better before i sleep.
goodluck
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Dear Future Self...On the issue of Boys.
Read this when you want him back:
Hi Lee.
Are you thinking about him? Don't. He wasn't worth it. And I know you'll disagree with that. I KNOW it. But try and remember all the times you would get irritated with him. When he'd push you to tell him something you didn't want to. When he always had to be better than you. When he'd do muay thai moves on you. And I know you would have put up with that forever, because you cared so much for this boy. But he is happy. He loves her. He left you, FOR HER. And you know what? You are better because of it. You are beautiful and strong and incredible. There WILL be other guys, guys who will make your heart skip a beat and make your stomach sprout butterflies. There will be a guy, or two or five who make you forget about M and all the pain you are feeling right now. And I don't know when it will happen, but it will. Maybe in five years, maybe in seven, maybe in a month. I don't know, but it will. And when you find a guy who will treat you right, and perservere through everything with you, you will realize that M was necessary so that you could appreciate this guy. I think that everything happens for a reason, and for three months, you had this beautiful, exquisite relationship so that you could learn this one simple lesson: You deserve the best. Not close to the best, or almost the best, THE BEST. You deserve that guy who you can call crying at 4am. You deserve the guy who will take silly pictures with you, and bake cakes, and pick you up in his car, and kiss you in the rain, and buy you starbucks, and play with your hair, and kiss your neck, and kiss your shoulder. You deserve that guy, and that guy ISN'T M, no matter how much you want him to be. I'm so sorry honey, I know a thousand words would never be able to make you stop missing him, but you will be okay. You will grow old and you will meet so many amazing boys. You will remain friends with M, and maybe one day, you'll look up and realize that thinking about him doesn't hurt anymore, and talking to him isn't painful. And you'll look back and see how far you both have come and you'll be proud of yourself and of him and you will smile. You will smile. A boy will make you smile, and it will be a million smiles and a thousand boys and you will make it through this, because you are incredible. There will be a guy who'll compromise and put your happiness first, and send you good morning messages, and buy you flowers, and who'll wake up next to you and come home from work to you and who will go on thousands of dates with you. You will have gorgeous children and when your daughter or daughters have their hearts broken by their first loves in high school, you will look at them and share your story of a boy named M, who was actually born in Nebraska, and who broke your heart. And then hopefully, you'll call him up and tell him, and you will both laugh and move on with your lives. Honey, you will get past this. You will have a wonderful career, an amazing family, a house that you'll turn into a home, and friends, and he will hopefully be one of those friends. And you will wake up one day and realize that your heart doesn't hurt and that you can remember things without crying. And then you'll be okay. You'll be okay, because there are only happy endings, so if you aren't happy, it isn't the end. You will be alright. I know you loved him. I know you really could see yourself spending eternity with him, and that you still hold onto a hope that you'll get back together, but it wont happen. And that's okay, because that just means you have the freedom to learn from everything, and then move on and find someone who can make you happier. and I know that looks so impossible right now, but you CAN do it, and you WILL do it. You're beautiful. I love you.
Hi Lee.
Are you thinking about him? Don't. He wasn't worth it. And I know you'll disagree with that. I KNOW it. But try and remember all the times you would get irritated with him. When he'd push you to tell him something you didn't want to. When he always had to be better than you. When he'd do muay thai moves on you. And I know you would have put up with that forever, because you cared so much for this boy. But he is happy. He loves her. He left you, FOR HER. And you know what? You are better because of it. You are beautiful and strong and incredible. There WILL be other guys, guys who will make your heart skip a beat and make your stomach sprout butterflies. There will be a guy, or two or five who make you forget about M and all the pain you are feeling right now. And I don't know when it will happen, but it will. Maybe in five years, maybe in seven, maybe in a month. I don't know, but it will. And when you find a guy who will treat you right, and perservere through everything with you, you will realize that M was necessary so that you could appreciate this guy. I think that everything happens for a reason, and for three months, you had this beautiful, exquisite relationship so that you could learn this one simple lesson: You deserve the best. Not close to the best, or almost the best, THE BEST. You deserve that guy who you can call crying at 4am. You deserve the guy who will take silly pictures with you, and bake cakes, and pick you up in his car, and kiss you in the rain, and buy you starbucks, and play with your hair, and kiss your neck, and kiss your shoulder. You deserve that guy, and that guy ISN'T M, no matter how much you want him to be. I'm so sorry honey, I know a thousand words would never be able to make you stop missing him, but you will be okay. You will grow old and you will meet so many amazing boys. You will remain friends with M, and maybe one day, you'll look up and realize that thinking about him doesn't hurt anymore, and talking to him isn't painful. And you'll look back and see how far you both have come and you'll be proud of yourself and of him and you will smile. You will smile. A boy will make you smile, and it will be a million smiles and a thousand boys and you will make it through this, because you are incredible. There will be a guy who'll compromise and put your happiness first, and send you good morning messages, and buy you flowers, and who'll wake up next to you and come home from work to you and who will go on thousands of dates with you. You will have gorgeous children and when your daughter or daughters have their hearts broken by their first loves in high school, you will look at them and share your story of a boy named M, who was actually born in Nebraska, and who broke your heart. And then hopefully, you'll call him up and tell him, and you will both laugh and move on with your lives. Honey, you will get past this. You will have a wonderful career, an amazing family, a house that you'll turn into a home, and friends, and he will hopefully be one of those friends. And you will wake up one day and realize that your heart doesn't hurt and that you can remember things without crying. And then you'll be okay. You'll be okay, because there are only happy endings, so if you aren't happy, it isn't the end. You will be alright. I know you loved him. I know you really could see yourself spending eternity with him, and that you still hold onto a hope that you'll get back together, but it wont happen. And that's okay, because that just means you have the freedom to learn from everything, and then move on and find someone who can make you happier. and I know that looks so impossible right now, but you CAN do it, and you WILL do it. You're beautiful. I love you.
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Good day
Today is a good day, despite the fact that I'm still waiting on an apology from M. On friday night we were texting back and forth and my phone died, so I turned it off. When I turned it back on, I asked him how he was, and he texts back and says "Can we just not talk right now. I'm sorry" I was pissed. Like, little boy! I am trying to be polite here! But then I got on fb and saw that his new girlfriend had posted something along the lines of "if this is what it's going to be like, I have no problem walking away from it" so I think they're having relationship problems. My feelings about that vary. On one hand I'm like fuck yeah! On the other hand I really want him to be happy. Preferably with me, but whatever. I just transfered all his texts into a word document, and I'm loving all the space I have on my phone, but reading through them all made me a little sad. Not as sad as I had anticipated though. Mostly it put me in a "fuck him" mood. You know? I was like wooooow, he was a liar. I lost a lot of respect for him. RAWR. I dunno where I'm going with this though. Either way, have a good day lovelies!
Thursday, October 11, 2012
So. It's been awhile huh? I'm a sophmore now. It's hard. I'm 116 pounds, but I was broken up with on September 30, 2012, so that number could go way up. My computer was broke, and now it's fixed again. And honestly, I was doing okay. I really really was until I got on tumblr. Until I reloaded skype and realized everything was wiped clean. I have no copies of the chatting M and I would do on Skype, no record of all the hours we've spent staring at each other through the screen. I'm dying. I'm looking through all my tumblr posts and they are all super depressing, and they remind me of what I have lost. I'm losing it. I miss him so much. He was so good for me. He was the perfect guy. I never believed in marriage or love forever until he made me. He got me to start thinking about forever, then just ripped it away. He's got another girl now. Do you know what it's like to be so in love with someone that all you want is just...them? Them forever and ever. Do you know what it's like to give a guy every last fucking thing you have and have him just decide he doesn't want it? It kills. How can someone be 'in love' with you one day and then the next day just decide he doesn't want you anymore. How are you supposed to get over something like that? It's awful. It just reafirms everything I've ever thought about myself. That I was never enough to keep a guy, that it was too difficult to be with me, that I was too ugly to make a guy want to work for me. UGH.
I feel so empty which kills me. All my friends are killing themselves trying to make me happy and for a few moments, I can be. I can relax and just let myself be okay. But then they leave me and I'm back to being alone again. It sucks. I still would drop everything for him. And I know he'd never hesitate to drop everything for me. Do you know what thats like? To know that he'd be willing to do anything for me, but that he doesn't love me anymore?
IT SUCKS. I just wanna kill someone. But not him. Because his happiness is important. I told that boy everything. Literally, everything. Things I have never told anyone. I'd go to him for everything, and I KNEW that was dangerous. I knew that wasn't smart. I never let myself get close to boys before because it would always end badly. But he was different. I thought.
He called me the other night just to see if I was okay. I told him I was. I wish I had told him that I was dying without him. I'm so jealous of his girlfriend.
And I keep telling myself that I'm fine. But if I were truly fine, I wouldn't still be facebook stalking him and her, or jumping for my phone every time it buzzes, hoping beyond hope it'll be him. I miss him. So much. GOD.
I'm still holding onto a little but of hope that we'll get back together someday. I need to let that go. ASAP.
I feel so empty which kills me. All my friends are killing themselves trying to make me happy and for a few moments, I can be. I can relax and just let myself be okay. But then they leave me and I'm back to being alone again. It sucks. I still would drop everything for him. And I know he'd never hesitate to drop everything for me. Do you know what thats like? To know that he'd be willing to do anything for me, but that he doesn't love me anymore?
IT SUCKS. I just wanna kill someone. But not him. Because his happiness is important. I told that boy everything. Literally, everything. Things I have never told anyone. I'd go to him for everything, and I KNEW that was dangerous. I knew that wasn't smart. I never let myself get close to boys before because it would always end badly. But he was different. I thought.
He called me the other night just to see if I was okay. I told him I was. I wish I had told him that I was dying without him. I'm so jealous of his girlfriend.
And I keep telling myself that I'm fine. But if I were truly fine, I wouldn't still be facebook stalking him and her, or jumping for my phone every time it buzzes, hoping beyond hope it'll be him. I miss him. So much. GOD.
I'm still holding onto a little but of hope that we'll get back together someday. I need to let that go. ASAP.
Monday, April 2, 2012
It's been awhile...
So yeah...it's been awhile since I posted. I went on spring break and ate probably twice my body weight the entire week. I went to see my grandparents. I don't know why but this week has been really awful in terms of like, emotions. I'm a complete mess.
Is there anyone out there who is a fremione fan? Cuz I happen to love it....
More tomorrow, probably.
Love you.
Is there anyone out there who is a fremione fan? Cuz I happen to love it....
More tomorrow, probably.
Love you.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Collarbones
I think I'm slowly losing my mind. I'm used to being smart. I depend on my brains. High school is full of dumbasses. I got into a school for the Gifted and Talented because of my ability to write. The sentences I put together barely make sense anymore and the part of me that used to stop and think rationally is gone and there is only this thing inside of my head that tells me to go and go and go so far that even if I tried I'd never be able to get back to where I came from. "State your thesis then give me reasons...reasons why your thesis is true, each reason supported by two or three examples from the text" but if my life is a book then theres no way I'd be able to prove anything to you, except maybe that I come from a fucked up family and a fucked up childhood.
My father raped my brother and all I want in my life is a dependable male. My dad hits me and my mom cries and promises me we'll leave, we'll leave, it'll be okay cuz we'll leave. My brother wants nothing to do with me and I can feel the hate, the guilt, the utter lack of feeling towards me when we Skype. We never Skype alone, I'm always with my sister and sometimes his baby girl MacKenzie joins him at his computer. I want to meet MacKenzie and yet I never want to meet MacKenzie.
I was almost named MacKenzie, you know. I was almost named a lot of things and it seems fitting that I got stuck with a name like mine. So pretty, perhaps thats why I hate it. MacKenzie deserves so much more than I can give her, so much more then stories of a fucked up childhood and "oh Kenzie, you'll never guess what your sonofabitch father did then."
I get my anger from my dad and he tells me my mom is worried that after I get my license I'll drive away and never come back and I'll never tell her how she hit the nail on the head with that prediction, because thats exactly what I want to do. I want to drive and drive and drive until I fall off the edge of the world.
And its like everytime I talk to someone they can't understand and I'm slipping and I'm falling so far away that I'm afraid I won't find myself and I can't find myself, the old me, the one who never ever was like this, couldn't imagine losing an ounce of control, let alone the entire goddamn thing.
You told me I only care about myself. Yeah, that's true. Baby, its a dog eat dog out there and I'm so afraid I'm going to wind up dead that I kill everyone before they can kill me and it's not even that I didn't care about you, because on some level I did and you know what, I would have brought the goddamn cookies for you the next day if you hadn't shoved me back.
All I want is a good dependable person, someone to lean on when things get rough, but I don't want a dependable person, because I had one and then I shoved them all away and I can't even deal with those "good dependable people" because they all fucking make me sick and I heard somewhere that cussing just proves how ignorant you are as a human being. Wanna know what I say to that? OH YEAH MOTHERFUCKERS? WELL FUCKING SUCK YOUR OWN FUCKING COCKS YOU WHORISH ASSHOLE MOTHERFUCKING BITCHES.
I try so hard everyday to hold it together for everyone else when they can't even be bothered to do the same.
And Ally, you were supposed to be there for my first date. But you left me and I can't even...
It's not your fault.
I made flan. It sucked. It was Jello Flan, that's why. And they tell me I'm good at baking, which scareds me because I don't want to be good at anything ever again. Not since swimming blew up in my face. When you told him I used to be on the swim team, I couldn't even look at him. That "oh, really?" killed me, and when you told him I was good at it, I wanted to throw a temper tantrum. They say you have to love something with every fibre of your being, every ounce of yourself, but every bit of passion into it, before you can ever truly hate it. Well guess what? I HATE SWIMMING.
My collarbones are the only parts of myself that I like and at night I run my hands over them and feel them sticking out more prominently then ever before. The only thing that sticks out. My hips will get there soon. 125.5. It was a miracle to see that number on the scale. And during my period too! Look, Ma, No food!! Haha I'm clever. I'm clever and funny and going to Hell because the things I laugh at are things that are not funny in the slightest. I love you baby doll. Don't ever be like your cousin, ok? Cuz you'll fuck up your life.
Or maybe you should fuck up your life, and I'll help you, just so we can have something to talk about.
My father raped my brother and all I want in my life is a dependable male. My dad hits me and my mom cries and promises me we'll leave, we'll leave, it'll be okay cuz we'll leave. My brother wants nothing to do with me and I can feel the hate, the guilt, the utter lack of feeling towards me when we Skype. We never Skype alone, I'm always with my sister and sometimes his baby girl MacKenzie joins him at his computer. I want to meet MacKenzie and yet I never want to meet MacKenzie.
I was almost named MacKenzie, you know. I was almost named a lot of things and it seems fitting that I got stuck with a name like mine. So pretty, perhaps thats why I hate it. MacKenzie deserves so much more than I can give her, so much more then stories of a fucked up childhood and "oh Kenzie, you'll never guess what your sonofabitch father did then."
I get my anger from my dad and he tells me my mom is worried that after I get my license I'll drive away and never come back and I'll never tell her how she hit the nail on the head with that prediction, because thats exactly what I want to do. I want to drive and drive and drive until I fall off the edge of the world.
And its like everytime I talk to someone they can't understand and I'm slipping and I'm falling so far away that I'm afraid I won't find myself and I can't find myself, the old me, the one who never ever was like this, couldn't imagine losing an ounce of control, let alone the entire goddamn thing.
You told me I only care about myself. Yeah, that's true. Baby, its a dog eat dog out there and I'm so afraid I'm going to wind up dead that I kill everyone before they can kill me and it's not even that I didn't care about you, because on some level I did and you know what, I would have brought the goddamn cookies for you the next day if you hadn't shoved me back.
All I want is a good dependable person, someone to lean on when things get rough, but I don't want a dependable person, because I had one and then I shoved them all away and I can't even deal with those "good dependable people" because they all fucking make me sick and I heard somewhere that cussing just proves how ignorant you are as a human being. Wanna know what I say to that? OH YEAH MOTHERFUCKERS? WELL FUCKING SUCK YOUR OWN FUCKING COCKS YOU WHORISH ASSHOLE MOTHERFUCKING BITCHES.
I try so hard everyday to hold it together for everyone else when they can't even be bothered to do the same.
And Ally, you were supposed to be there for my first date. But you left me and I can't even...
It's not your fault.
I made flan. It sucked. It was Jello Flan, that's why. And they tell me I'm good at baking, which scareds me because I don't want to be good at anything ever again. Not since swimming blew up in my face. When you told him I used to be on the swim team, I couldn't even look at him. That "oh, really?" killed me, and when you told him I was good at it, I wanted to throw a temper tantrum. They say you have to love something with every fibre of your being, every ounce of yourself, but every bit of passion into it, before you can ever truly hate it. Well guess what? I HATE SWIMMING.
My collarbones are the only parts of myself that I like and at night I run my hands over them and feel them sticking out more prominently then ever before. The only thing that sticks out. My hips will get there soon. 125.5. It was a miracle to see that number on the scale. And during my period too! Look, Ma, No food!! Haha I'm clever. I'm clever and funny and going to Hell because the things I laugh at are things that are not funny in the slightest. I love you baby doll. Don't ever be like your cousin, ok? Cuz you'll fuck up your life.
Or maybe you should fuck up your life, and I'll help you, just so we can have something to talk about.
Numbers
125.5
also...
2-3-12.
Hella happy right now.
He's a boy from my past...
He'll be good for me.
For sure.
Goodnight beautifuls!
also...
2-3-12.
Hella happy right now.
He's a boy from my past...
He'll be good for me.
For sure.
Goodnight beautifuls!
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Hey everyone. This is the very first post from my new iPod touch. I just wanted to wish everyone a very merry Christmas, and if you don't celebrate Christmas then I wish you happy holidays. Or you know, just have a good day if you are someone who doesn't celebrate this time of year for whatever reason.
I tried to post pictures and other stuff last night but things just didn't work out. Had a great day yesterday even though my chiefs lost to the Raiders during overtime. The broncos lost too though so that lessens the blow lol. My best friend J told me "it's really cliche but it's hot when u talk sports" lol! I hung out with my cousins, as I do every year on Christmas eve. We opened presents, ate lunch and laughed a lot. I have three cousins who live near me, and unfortunately all of their names start with a c so i can't exactly abbreviate like I usually do. I suppose I cOuld think up names for everyone but honestly that would just take too long and I would just end up confusing myself lol. Here are some highlights from yesterday:
Chase: duchess!! Come here!
Casey:*grabs onto duchess collar* no, she doesn't love you.
~
Casey: "I gave you three million dollars and Tokyo just cuz I felt like being a nice cousin"
~
We risked our lives to Jump a car through a burning ring of fire
~
"oh great anther 5000 dollar baby gift"
~
"yummmmmm guinea pig"
~
"the bread is heavy to keep the dead in the ground"
~
Boxes Are not to stand in.
"my hip!!!!!!! My hip!!!!!"
~
and if course the greatest quote ever...
My dad: if he starts freaking out, just break his nose. Seriously. It will mellow him out.
Random cute guy: oh look, dolphins.
Casey and I: MELLOW OUT!!!!! YOU'RE ENDANGERING OUR LIVES!!!!!
Hahaha anyways I'm going to post later on my computer about my progress. I know I haven't been tAlking about that a lot. I've just been so ashamed lately but it's time to suck it up and deal. I'll also reply to Sammy boo on the next post. Have a fantastic day everyone!!!!
I tried to post pictures and other stuff last night but things just didn't work out. Had a great day yesterday even though my chiefs lost to the Raiders during overtime. The broncos lost too though so that lessens the blow lol. My best friend J told me "it's really cliche but it's hot when u talk sports" lol! I hung out with my cousins, as I do every year on Christmas eve. We opened presents, ate lunch and laughed a lot. I have three cousins who live near me, and unfortunately all of their names start with a c so i can't exactly abbreviate like I usually do. I suppose I cOuld think up names for everyone but honestly that would just take too long and I would just end up confusing myself lol. Here are some highlights from yesterday:
Chase: duchess!! Come here!
Casey:*grabs onto duchess collar* no, she doesn't love you.
~
Casey: "I gave you three million dollars and Tokyo just cuz I felt like being a nice cousin"
~
We risked our lives to Jump a car through a burning ring of fire
~
"oh great anther 5000 dollar baby gift"
~
"yummmmmm guinea pig"
~
"the bread is heavy to keep the dead in the ground"
~
Boxes Are not to stand in.
"my hip!!!!!!! My hip!!!!!"
~
and if course the greatest quote ever...
My dad: if he starts freaking out, just break his nose. Seriously. It will mellow him out.
Random cute guy: oh look, dolphins.
Casey and I: MELLOW OUT!!!!! YOU'RE ENDANGERING OUR LIVES!!!!!
Hahaha anyways I'm going to post later on my computer about my progress. I know I haven't been tAlking about that a lot. I've just been so ashamed lately but it's time to suck it up and deal. I'll also reply to Sammy boo on the next post. Have a fantastic day everyone!!!!
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Hey Mr. Bartender, Mix Me a Drink, I Really Need Something to Tell Me Its Okay Not to Think
I guess in some ways I got lucky with my family. Lucky. Haha if you knew me you'd know why thats ironic. Right now Im in my sisters clothes. A short sleeve shirt underneath a ripped up dark gray long sleeved shirt. Even though the pocket is falling off and the sleeves are stretched out, this is my favorite shirt in the world. Couldn't for the life of me tell you why. I guess its just the knowledge that this was my sisters, this belonged to her, and she loved it.
My sister is really my half-sister, and even though she is twelve years older than I am, we can fit into the same size clothing. My feelings about this fluctuate. Sometimes I am glad that I am able to have tangable items of hers to hold onto. Sometimes this makes me really upset.
I stopped talking to my sister awhile ago. I guess I got tired of it. She's a lot like my dad, which is an awful thing. I fear I'm a lot like my dad as well. This is scary.
Unfortunately, when I stopped talking to my sister, I lost all ways of contacting my dads side of the family. Including my brother whos really my half-brother.
This upsets me too. Because we don't talk about that side of the family. The last time I remember seeing them is when we went to see my grandma in the hospital. My dad wouldn't pay for my sister to fly to Canada so she could say goodbye. I don't remember much about the funeral, or the hospital. All I remember is being in the living room with my next door neighbor listening to music. My mom told me Delainey had to go home, and I asked for one more song. So she said okay. I still feel guilty about that. I remember being in the car, listening to my dad try to get ahold of his sister, my aunt. I remember no one would answer his calls and I remember him telling my mom "she may have already died." I don't remember how I felt about that.
I remember how being in the hospital and changing my baby doll, putting her in some pants because it was cold in Canada.
I remember a man looking down at me and saying "Your grandma may look a little different. Don't be alarmed." That scared me, because I imagined her to look like a stranger. When we got into her room, she looked the same as ever.
I remember cleaning out her refrigerator, and seeing that she had batteries in there. Appearently if you refrigerate batteries, they last longer. She was a smart lady.
I remember throwing a fit because I didn't want to wear those stupid black shoes to the funeral.
And I remember my cousins playing in the dirt, far away from me.
The only memory I have of my brother is eating dinner at the table and hearing him walk through the front door. I think it was cold. I think it was snowing. I remember my dad saying "Go give your brother a hug." I did.
I guess that must have been right before he left. He left when I was three, to go live with his mom. I know why now. Its a horrible story.
I don't think I feel as sad as I should that I'm not able to talk to him anymore. I don't think he ever really liked me. I don't blame him. I miss him, and love him, but am incapable of hating him for not having those feelings about me.
I only remember a few other things about my dads side of the family. The rest was told to me by my sister.
What I remember: I have a cousin named Zach and a cousin named Danny. My grandpa Tom owns a farm in Walsenburg. My sister and I went there when I was little, and a black cat had just had kittens. We played with them on the floor of the living room.
What was told to me: Grandpa Tom is rich. I have a ton of cousins. My uncle sells bikes to George W Bush, our old president. Aunt Sharon misses me. Once upon a time, I loved Aunt Sharon, Danny, my whole family. Once upon a time, they loved me back.
I used to say that when I was eighteen, I was going to find my family. I envisioned a huge reconcilliation, where they would be in tears and there would be lots of hugs and everyone would tell me they tried their very hardest to stay in touch but my mean awful parents wouldn't let them.
I don't want to visit anymore. Because the truth is, there is a lot of resentment in my family. And I'm in the middle of it. There probably wouldn't be any hugs, any tears. They probably would resent me for walking in and ruining their lives.
I hate talking about my family. I hardly ever do it anymore. My friends would always tell me "I'm sure thats not true" when I said my family hates me. That gets on my nerves. They aren't in my family, they don't know. More than anything, thats what angers me, when people tell me I'm wrong.
I didn't intend for this post to be so long.
My day was good. Went to Ikea, which was amazing. Went to Bass Pro Shop, my favorite place ever. Went to Toby Keith's Bar and Grill (I Love This Bar) and had a hamburger. Hopefully walked off some of it. Managed to get away with not having breakfast nor dinner. Most of my calories came from liquids today. Ugh.
I'm a failure.
Sam: skittlebaby666@yahoo.com
I'm 5'3, how tall are you?
That's true about being contradictory, I've never thought of it that way.
You'll have to forgive me, I'm in a bad mood and don't really feel like talking. (Ironic considering the length of this post, but journaling and talking to an actual person are two different things I suppose.)
Here's a picture of one of my favorite memories. J and I went to a Chalk Festival, hence, why its written in chalk. I can't wait for summer again. Maybe then I wont always be so fucking cold.
My sister is really my half-sister, and even though she is twelve years older than I am, we can fit into the same size clothing. My feelings about this fluctuate. Sometimes I am glad that I am able to have tangable items of hers to hold onto. Sometimes this makes me really upset.
I stopped talking to my sister awhile ago. I guess I got tired of it. She's a lot like my dad, which is an awful thing. I fear I'm a lot like my dad as well. This is scary.
Unfortunately, when I stopped talking to my sister, I lost all ways of contacting my dads side of the family. Including my brother whos really my half-brother.
This upsets me too. Because we don't talk about that side of the family. The last time I remember seeing them is when we went to see my grandma in the hospital. My dad wouldn't pay for my sister to fly to Canada so she could say goodbye. I don't remember much about the funeral, or the hospital. All I remember is being in the living room with my next door neighbor listening to music. My mom told me Delainey had to go home, and I asked for one more song. So she said okay. I still feel guilty about that. I remember being in the car, listening to my dad try to get ahold of his sister, my aunt. I remember no one would answer his calls and I remember him telling my mom "she may have already died." I don't remember how I felt about that.
I remember how being in the hospital and changing my baby doll, putting her in some pants because it was cold in Canada.
I remember a man looking down at me and saying "Your grandma may look a little different. Don't be alarmed." That scared me, because I imagined her to look like a stranger. When we got into her room, she looked the same as ever.
I remember cleaning out her refrigerator, and seeing that she had batteries in there. Appearently if you refrigerate batteries, they last longer. She was a smart lady.
I remember throwing a fit because I didn't want to wear those stupid black shoes to the funeral.
And I remember my cousins playing in the dirt, far away from me.
The only memory I have of my brother is eating dinner at the table and hearing him walk through the front door. I think it was cold. I think it was snowing. I remember my dad saying "Go give your brother a hug." I did.
I guess that must have been right before he left. He left when I was three, to go live with his mom. I know why now. Its a horrible story.
I don't think I feel as sad as I should that I'm not able to talk to him anymore. I don't think he ever really liked me. I don't blame him. I miss him, and love him, but am incapable of hating him for not having those feelings about me.
I only remember a few other things about my dads side of the family. The rest was told to me by my sister.
What I remember: I have a cousin named Zach and a cousin named Danny. My grandpa Tom owns a farm in Walsenburg. My sister and I went there when I was little, and a black cat had just had kittens. We played with them on the floor of the living room.
What was told to me: Grandpa Tom is rich. I have a ton of cousins. My uncle sells bikes to George W Bush, our old president. Aunt Sharon misses me. Once upon a time, I loved Aunt Sharon, Danny, my whole family. Once upon a time, they loved me back.
I used to say that when I was eighteen, I was going to find my family. I envisioned a huge reconcilliation, where they would be in tears and there would be lots of hugs and everyone would tell me they tried their very hardest to stay in touch but my mean awful parents wouldn't let them.
I don't want to visit anymore. Because the truth is, there is a lot of resentment in my family. And I'm in the middle of it. There probably wouldn't be any hugs, any tears. They probably would resent me for walking in and ruining their lives.
I hate talking about my family. I hardly ever do it anymore. My friends would always tell me "I'm sure thats not true" when I said my family hates me. That gets on my nerves. They aren't in my family, they don't know. More than anything, thats what angers me, when people tell me I'm wrong.
I didn't intend for this post to be so long.
My day was good. Went to Ikea, which was amazing. Went to Bass Pro Shop, my favorite place ever. Went to Toby Keith's Bar and Grill (I Love This Bar) and had a hamburger. Hopefully walked off some of it. Managed to get away with not having breakfast nor dinner. Most of my calories came from liquids today. Ugh.
I'm a failure.
Sam: skittlebaby666@yahoo.com
I'm 5'3, how tall are you?
That's true about being contradictory, I've never thought of it that way.
You'll have to forgive me, I'm in a bad mood and don't really feel like talking. (Ironic considering the length of this post, but journaling and talking to an actual person are two different things I suppose.)
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Its late/early....!!!
Lol so Sam, you're 10 hours (behind? ahead of?) me. Good to know lol. Haha I know what you mean about RandJ. Awwwww you always make my day too.
"the language that cannot be spoken is often the most beautiful." there you go again with ur amazing words!
I can't stand the taste of diet pepsi. Blech.
And your welcome to blow up all my evil ex's if you'd like :)
Tomorrow I get to go to IKEA!!!! Its this store that just opened and its supposedly HUMONGEOUS!!! I'm excited...Haha and yeah, I get the same way when I'm tired, all discombobulated and everything. But I love staying up late too much to go to bed. Did that sentence make sense? Well, it did to me so I'm leaving it. Rawr. I have a good day planned tomorrow, cuz tomorrow is my first full day of Break! Yippee! Tee hee my favorite picture in the world:
Its adorable.
And yeah, I should probably sleep or else I'll be all grumpy tomorrow. Technically today since its already past midnight. I made some self discoveries. Or should I say someone else made them for me? Idk. I'll go into that tomorrow. Today. Whatever.
Goodnight, sleep tight.
"the language that cannot be spoken is often the most beautiful." there you go again with ur amazing words!
I can't stand the taste of diet pepsi. Blech.
And your welcome to blow up all my evil ex's if you'd like :)
Tomorrow I get to go to IKEA!!!! Its this store that just opened and its supposedly HUMONGEOUS!!! I'm excited...Haha and yeah, I get the same way when I'm tired, all discombobulated and everything. But I love staying up late too much to go to bed. Did that sentence make sense? Well, it did to me so I'm leaving it. Rawr. I have a good day planned tomorrow, cuz tomorrow is my first full day of Break! Yippee! Tee hee my favorite picture in the world:
And yeah, I should probably sleep or else I'll be all grumpy tomorrow. Technically today since its already past midnight. I made some self discoveries. Or should I say someone else made them for me? Idk. I'll go into that tomorrow. Today. Whatever.
Goodnight, sleep tight.
Happy Days Ruined by a Purple Haze
So I have a tendancy to be childish when teachers make me mad.Like today? After I was told by my Honors English Teacher that I didn't understand Romeo and Juliet? Yeah, I lost it. I've read that book every year for the past four years. This year will be me and my friend S's fifth year reading it. We tried to test out and scored high on our tests, but it wasn't a perfect 100 and Kastens hates Quest kids sooooo, yeah, she told us we weren't smart enough, and that we had to sit through class. Honestly? My friend S answers every question Kastens throws her way, and she doesn't even have to look at the book to do it. I'm over it. We decided we were done participating in that class. Which is where the childishness comes into play.
I know its super little kid of me to be like "She disagrees with me, so I'm not gonna do my work!" But honestly? I don't care lol.
Anyways though, had a day full of ups and downs, came home, and saw Sam had commented on my blog! Goodness gracious, she almost brought me to tears (happy tears haha) with her writing. First off, its gorgeous writing, "My father cannot sympathize with a dying flower" -amazing!! I'm sorry he cannot feel for you thought :( Second off, (where the tears come in) Its just that I've never ever seen my body the way you do. I don't ever hear nice things about it either, and just reading that, oh my goodness, WOW. Thank you so much :') And for the record, I think you are absoulutely gorgeous as well. Im just not good with words the way you are...
And its soooooo ironic that you mention a 1976 Mustang Shelby because that is the car I was almost named for!!!! :D Haha but yeah, I looooooooooove both those cars! And Dr. Pepper is AMAZINGLY tasty!!!! Also, the bands we both like that I saw were coldplay, snow patrol, skillet, hollywood undead, the fray and daughtry.
I love how this post is just basically a reply to Sam lol btw I emailed you :)
OH! I almost forgot! Today, J, Gbear and I managed to have a nice lunch, with no threatening on J's part. I don't know why J doesn't like Gbear...(Actually I do, J claims its cuz Gbear stepped on his applesauce, but even though J thinks he is, I know hes not that shallow. Its cuz J likes feeling like my best friend, which he is, and he doesn't want any other guys stealing that position, which hes just gonna have to get used to because I'm friends with a crap ton of boys) But you know what makes me really happy? Is when my guy friends are protective of me. Like today, after school, I was on the phone with my jerk of an ex boyfriend and first C and N were like, telling me to give them the phone so they could yell at him for almost making me cry, then M was like "I will beat that guy! Tell him I will beat him!" It was hilarious. Anyways...Imma just sit back and start enjoying my break now!! Peace!
I know its super little kid of me to be like "She disagrees with me, so I'm not gonna do my work!" But honestly? I don't care lol.
Anyways though, had a day full of ups and downs, came home, and saw Sam had commented on my blog! Goodness gracious, she almost brought me to tears (happy tears haha) with her writing. First off, its gorgeous writing, "My father cannot sympathize with a dying flower" -amazing!! I'm sorry he cannot feel for you thought :( Second off, (where the tears come in) Its just that I've never ever seen my body the way you do. I don't ever hear nice things about it either, and just reading that, oh my goodness, WOW. Thank you so much :') And for the record, I think you are absoulutely gorgeous as well. Im just not good with words the way you are...
And its soooooo ironic that you mention a 1976 Mustang Shelby because that is the car I was almost named for!!!! :D Haha but yeah, I looooooooooove both those cars! And Dr. Pepper is AMAZINGLY tasty!!!! Also, the bands we both like that I saw were coldplay, snow patrol, skillet, hollywood undead, the fray and daughtry.
I love how this post is just basically a reply to Sam lol btw I emailed you :)
OH! I almost forgot! Today, J, Gbear and I managed to have a nice lunch, with no threatening on J's part. I don't know why J doesn't like Gbear...(Actually I do, J claims its cuz Gbear stepped on his applesauce, but even though J thinks he is, I know hes not that shallow. Its cuz J likes feeling like my best friend, which he is, and he doesn't want any other guys stealing that position, which hes just gonna have to get used to because I'm friends with a crap ton of boys) But you know what makes me really happy? Is when my guy friends are protective of me. Like today, after school, I was on the phone with my jerk of an ex boyfriend and first C and N were like, telling me to give them the phone so they could yell at him for almost making me cry, then M was like "I will beat that guy! Tell him I will beat him!" It was hilarious. Anyways...Imma just sit back and start enjoying my break now!! Peace!
Monday, December 19, 2011
I tend to jump from topic to topic when I get tired
This is going to be really long. I don't care.
Don't read it if you don't want to, its only me rambling.
I always swore I'd never end up like my parents. I promised myself over and over that I'd be different. Yet, everyday I find similarities between me and them. My quick temper? I get that from my dad. My tendancy to stay in awful relationships? From my mom. My willigness to quickly forgive? Also from my mom. My I-dont-give-a-shit attitude? Thats from my dad. Im a mess of contradictions. I'm only fifteen, you'll have to forgive me :)
My day has been up and down. I had such awful mood swings that even I was afraid of myself lol and Im not even on my period. Scary. Sometimes people really piss me off and I'm torn between wanting to smack them and wanting to be a good person. Like my friend, S? She hates high school. We're both "gifted and talented" which means that we're smarter than the average bear. (Rant about GAT coming up really soon) The teachers at our HS dont have control over the kids and the kids don't want to learn anything anyway. But S is having a hard time because she does want to learn and the kids are pissing her off. Honestly? Im tired of her acting like shes better than them. Im tired of her complaining every single day about this because its stupid. I wanna scream at her to fix it for herself, but then, its like, how can she fix it? I get that shes super smart and that she is an overacheiver but that doesnt make her better than anyone else in our school. Idk, am I making sense? Bleh.
Gifted and Talented? Ugh thats a whole 'nother subject. I've been in the gifted and talented program since I was in kindergarten. Kindergarten. In my opinion, thats way to early to judge a kid. I never asked to be put in the higher classes, but in first grade I found myself first being transfered into a higher class for half the day, then being transfered into a second grade class for half the day. C'mon people, I was still picking my nose for crying out loud! Then my parents found out there was an entire school for kids like me. Yippee. To be fair, they did ask if I wanted to go. I said yes, because they told me my best friend would be going too. I've always known that I was never smart enough to be in that school. I had to have things explained to me over and over before I got them. I was always the kid who got B's and C's, which at my school was about the same as an F. It was A or failure. My friends used to ask what I needed help on, but eventually I got so embarrassed, I stopped letting them help me. High school is a great place for me, because I finally feel smart. I'm pulling A's in almost all my classes now, except for science, where I have no idea whats going on...
Maybe its Christmas, but I feel lonely. I've been over-analyzing all my past relationships lately and I feel like I if I just look hard enough, I can figure out why they didn't work and what I can do to change that...Idk. I think I like my gay best friend. Isn't that awesome? Haha, the word you're looking for is NO. J saved my life. Not going to lie, he's the reason I'm still here. And then of course theres that pesky little crush I have on my best friends crush...CRAP. My personal rule has ALWAYS been if one of my friends likes a guy I like, I back off, even if I liked him first. Its because of this rule I missed out on what probably would have been the greatest relationship ever. I liked the guy for three years but never told anyone because my ex best friend K liked him too. It wasn't even worth it in the end cuz K is a backstabber shit talker. And of course theres Ke. I met Ke and instantly fell for him. Everyone could tell but I constantly said "I dont like him!" which became a running joke between my friend B and I. "Oh, look, isn't that the guy you don't like?" I swear I have Ke radar tho, cuz no matter where I am, the minute I look up, I see him. He never sees me. Idk, I knew he was a player to begin with. I knew that. He cheated on one of my friends with another one of my friends and I still went for it. Because I have a tendancy to get into and stay in bad relationships...Im an idiot. But its like, Ke and I have had sooooo many cute adorable moments that its hard to like, just forget about him. There was homecoming, the grass outside, falling down the hill, walking around the building, the hallways, everywhere I go is another stupid memory. Today I'm pretty sure I saw him holding hands with some girl. I mean, its not like we're together or whatever, but like, you know...He said he wanted me back, like, last week. I just didn't think I'd be so easy to get over. I sound like a stupid teenage girl, which I am, but I still don't like sounding like one. Enough about love!
My best friend, (Well one of them) lets call her Dr. Pepper, she's amazing. Shes like ten pounds and shorter than me, but not by much. She's super shy and doesn't make friends easy because so many people have hurt her shes afraid to let people in. I've known Dr. Pepper since Kindy. Thats about ten years now. No one will ever replace her. After ten years, she knows exactly how to deal with me. I'm not the easiest person to get along with. I pick fights, because I can, and I'm extremely selfish and proud. But Dr. Pepper understands and forgives me for it. She's the first person I go to when I have a bad day, the person who talks shit with me, laughs with me, teases me and argues with me. I love her to death and would not be here without her either.
Sometimes I think I'm super blessed to have these amazing people in my life, but other times I just wish they would all go away. I think I'm going to end this rant now...I ran out of things to say and Im kinda embarrassed I revealed so much about myself here lol. I dont really care, I just feel like people will think mean things about me...:P
I also wanted to reply to Sam! :)
Haha reading your comment made my entire day like three thousand times better!
Rice and soup actually sounds reallllllllllly good! And five pounds is what my goal is! Hopefully I can so it...You sound absoulutely amazing and if I had ur email I would totally stalk you ;) haha Hypoglycemia SUCKS then. Grrrr....Well, I'm off to go comment on ur post lol
~LeeLee
This is me...Unfortunately.
Don't read it if you don't want to, its only me rambling.
I always swore I'd never end up like my parents. I promised myself over and over that I'd be different. Yet, everyday I find similarities between me and them. My quick temper? I get that from my dad. My tendancy to stay in awful relationships? From my mom. My willigness to quickly forgive? Also from my mom. My I-dont-give-a-shit attitude? Thats from my dad. Im a mess of contradictions. I'm only fifteen, you'll have to forgive me :)
My day has been up and down. I had such awful mood swings that even I was afraid of myself lol and Im not even on my period. Scary. Sometimes people really piss me off and I'm torn between wanting to smack them and wanting to be a good person. Like my friend, S? She hates high school. We're both "gifted and talented" which means that we're smarter than the average bear. (Rant about GAT coming up really soon) The teachers at our HS dont have control over the kids and the kids don't want to learn anything anyway. But S is having a hard time because she does want to learn and the kids are pissing her off. Honestly? Im tired of her acting like shes better than them. Im tired of her complaining every single day about this because its stupid. I wanna scream at her to fix it for herself, but then, its like, how can she fix it? I get that shes super smart and that she is an overacheiver but that doesnt make her better than anyone else in our school. Idk, am I making sense? Bleh.
Gifted and Talented? Ugh thats a whole 'nother subject. I've been in the gifted and talented program since I was in kindergarten. Kindergarten. In my opinion, thats way to early to judge a kid. I never asked to be put in the higher classes, but in first grade I found myself first being transfered into a higher class for half the day, then being transfered into a second grade class for half the day. C'mon people, I was still picking my nose for crying out loud! Then my parents found out there was an entire school for kids like me. Yippee. To be fair, they did ask if I wanted to go. I said yes, because they told me my best friend would be going too. I've always known that I was never smart enough to be in that school. I had to have things explained to me over and over before I got them. I was always the kid who got B's and C's, which at my school was about the same as an F. It was A or failure. My friends used to ask what I needed help on, but eventually I got so embarrassed, I stopped letting them help me. High school is a great place for me, because I finally feel smart. I'm pulling A's in almost all my classes now, except for science, where I have no idea whats going on...
Maybe its Christmas, but I feel lonely. I've been over-analyzing all my past relationships lately and I feel like I if I just look hard enough, I can figure out why they didn't work and what I can do to change that...Idk. I think I like my gay best friend. Isn't that awesome? Haha, the word you're looking for is NO. J saved my life. Not going to lie, he's the reason I'm still here. And then of course theres that pesky little crush I have on my best friends crush...CRAP. My personal rule has ALWAYS been if one of my friends likes a guy I like, I back off, even if I liked him first. Its because of this rule I missed out on what probably would have been the greatest relationship ever. I liked the guy for three years but never told anyone because my ex best friend K liked him too. It wasn't even worth it in the end cuz K is a backstabber shit talker. And of course theres Ke. I met Ke and instantly fell for him. Everyone could tell but I constantly said "I dont like him!" which became a running joke between my friend B and I. "Oh, look, isn't that the guy you don't like?" I swear I have Ke radar tho, cuz no matter where I am, the minute I look up, I see him. He never sees me. Idk, I knew he was a player to begin with. I knew that. He cheated on one of my friends with another one of my friends and I still went for it. Because I have a tendancy to get into and stay in bad relationships...Im an idiot. But its like, Ke and I have had sooooo many cute adorable moments that its hard to like, just forget about him. There was homecoming, the grass outside, falling down the hill, walking around the building, the hallways, everywhere I go is another stupid memory. Today I'm pretty sure I saw him holding hands with some girl. I mean, its not like we're together or whatever, but like, you know...He said he wanted me back, like, last week. I just didn't think I'd be so easy to get over. I sound like a stupid teenage girl, which I am, but I still don't like sounding like one. Enough about love!
My best friend, (Well one of them) lets call her Dr. Pepper, she's amazing. Shes like ten pounds and shorter than me, but not by much. She's super shy and doesn't make friends easy because so many people have hurt her shes afraid to let people in. I've known Dr. Pepper since Kindy. Thats about ten years now. No one will ever replace her. After ten years, she knows exactly how to deal with me. I'm not the easiest person to get along with. I pick fights, because I can, and I'm extremely selfish and proud. But Dr. Pepper understands and forgives me for it. She's the first person I go to when I have a bad day, the person who talks shit with me, laughs with me, teases me and argues with me. I love her to death and would not be here without her either.
Sometimes I think I'm super blessed to have these amazing people in my life, but other times I just wish they would all go away. I think I'm going to end this rant now...I ran out of things to say and Im kinda embarrassed I revealed so much about myself here lol. I dont really care, I just feel like people will think mean things about me...:P
I also wanted to reply to Sam! :)
Haha reading your comment made my entire day like three thousand times better!
Rice and soup actually sounds reallllllllllly good! And five pounds is what my goal is! Hopefully I can so it...You sound absoulutely amazing and if I had ur email I would totally stalk you ;) haha Hypoglycemia SUCKS then. Grrrr....Well, I'm off to go comment on ur post lol
~LeeLee
This is me...Unfortunately.Sunday, December 18, 2011
My Results
Cattell's 16 Factor Test Results
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personality tests by similarminds.com
Failure
I'm soooo tired these days. I'm going to bed at like 9 o clock and still being tired after sleeping twelve or so hours. I'm also always cold.
Friday was bad. In third period I got dizzy and the world started spinning and I was super nauseous and at lunch J was being supportive and gave me a suuuper long hug and G was offering to take me to the nurse like every 3 seconds lol. The dizzying stayed for the entire day, but in 5th period, the teacher flipped out and made me go to the nurse and she made my friend S take me to the nurse in the elevator cuz she was afriad I couldn't take the stairs. The nurse gave me crackers and gatorade, which I ate, then sent me back to class. I told everyone the dizzyness went away but it didn't. After school, went to GSA/DSA party and had two pieces of pizza and like a few sips of Dr. Pepper. Felt soooo awful.
Saturday was a fail day too. I ate and ate and ate. Dinner was at a fancy restaurant with mi madre, had six pieces of bread, a plate of fetticine alfredo, and a caramel sundae. and the waiter we had was an absoulute dick. a funny dick, but still. God. He came back and looked at our bread basket, then at me and went "No wonder you ordered a diet coke." His tone screamed "fat ass". He had this HUGE stomach too and I just wanted to be like "Look at ur feet and if you can't see them, think before you talk. Bastard." Ugh.
And then today I just ate everything. Another piece of pizza, garlic bread, nuts, coke, cookies. God. I heard somewhere everytime you binge, it sets you back ten days. At this rate, I'm set back an entire month.
Ugh, I hate it when my mom walks into my room and talks on the phone for like an hour. I can't do anything on my computer because she'll see things I don't want her to see and I can't tell her to leave cuz then I'd be "rude" ugh.
Haha I do wanna thank Sam for being so nice lol. I loooooooove HP :) Haha I read ur entire blog and the videos you had up were hilarious!!
I think thats enough ranting for tonight. Break starts in two days!! yay!
Friday was bad. In third period I got dizzy and the world started spinning and I was super nauseous and at lunch J was being supportive and gave me a suuuper long hug and G was offering to take me to the nurse like every 3 seconds lol. The dizzying stayed for the entire day, but in 5th period, the teacher flipped out and made me go to the nurse and she made my friend S take me to the nurse in the elevator cuz she was afriad I couldn't take the stairs. The nurse gave me crackers and gatorade, which I ate, then sent me back to class. I told everyone the dizzyness went away but it didn't. After school, went to GSA/DSA party and had two pieces of pizza and like a few sips of Dr. Pepper. Felt soooo awful.
Saturday was a fail day too. I ate and ate and ate. Dinner was at a fancy restaurant with mi madre, had six pieces of bread, a plate of fetticine alfredo, and a caramel sundae. and the waiter we had was an absoulute dick. a funny dick, but still. God. He came back and looked at our bread basket, then at me and went "No wonder you ordered a diet coke." His tone screamed "fat ass". He had this HUGE stomach too and I just wanted to be like "Look at ur feet and if you can't see them, think before you talk. Bastard." Ugh.
And then today I just ate everything. Another piece of pizza, garlic bread, nuts, coke, cookies. God. I heard somewhere everytime you binge, it sets you back ten days. At this rate, I'm set back an entire month.
Ugh, I hate it when my mom walks into my room and talks on the phone for like an hour. I can't do anything on my computer because she'll see things I don't want her to see and I can't tell her to leave cuz then I'd be "rude" ugh.
Haha I do wanna thank Sam for being so nice lol. I loooooooove HP :) Haha I read ur entire blog and the videos you had up were hilarious!!
I think thats enough ranting for tonight. Break starts in two days!! yay!
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