So. It's been awhile huh? I'm a sophmore now. It's hard. I'm 116 pounds, but I was broken up with on September 30, 2012, so that number could go way up. My computer was broke, and now it's fixed again. And honestly, I was doing okay. I really really was until I got on tumblr. Until I reloaded skype and realized everything was wiped clean. I have no copies of the chatting M and I would do on Skype, no record of all the hours we've spent staring at each other through the screen. I'm dying. I'm looking through all my tumblr posts and they are all super depressing, and they remind me of what I have lost. I'm losing it. I miss him so much. He was so good for me. He was the perfect guy. I never believed in marriage or love forever until he made me. He got me to start thinking about forever, then just ripped it away. He's got another girl now. Do you know what it's like to be so in love with someone that all you want is just...them? Them forever and ever. Do you know what it's like to give a guy every last fucking thing you have and have him just decide he doesn't want it? It kills. How can someone be 'in love' with you one day and then the next day just decide he doesn't want you anymore. How are you supposed to get over something like that? It's awful. It just reafirms everything I've ever thought about myself. That I was never enough to keep a guy, that it was too difficult to be with me, that I was too ugly to make a guy want to work for me. UGH.
I feel so empty which kills me. All my friends are killing themselves trying to make me happy and for a few moments, I can be. I can relax and just let myself be okay. But then they leave me and I'm back to being alone again. It sucks. I still would drop everything for him. And I know he'd never hesitate to drop everything for me. Do you know what thats like? To know that he'd be willing to do anything for me, but that he doesn't love me anymore?
IT SUCKS. I just wanna kill someone. But not him. Because his happiness is important. I told that boy everything. Literally, everything. Things I have never told anyone. I'd go to him for everything, and I KNEW that was dangerous. I knew that wasn't smart. I never let myself get close to boys before because it would always end badly. But he was different. I thought.
He called me the other night just to see if I was okay. I told him I was. I wish I had told him that I was dying without him. I'm so jealous of his girlfriend.
And I keep telling myself that I'm fine. But if I were truly fine, I wouldn't still be facebook stalking him and her, or jumping for my phone every time it buzzes, hoping beyond hope it'll be him. I miss him. So much. GOD.
I'm still holding onto a little but of hope that we'll get back together someday. I need to let that go. ASAP.