Last night, I skyped with M for a long time. And I was looking at him through my screen and feeling really optimistic about making this friendship work. It was going good. And then I went to bed and had 2 (TWO) dreams about him. We kissed both times and he picked me up and made me wrap my legs around him as we kissed and god it just felt so right and so good. I woke up in this funk I haven't been able to shake all day. I just feel...depressed. Like, I get that he loves her. I get that she makes him happy. I get that we're just friends. But I cannot stop thinking about him or wishing he was right beside me. This makes me a bad person. But when we met at the park, he kissed me on the cheek twice. And that just confused me. Because we were throwing each other in the snow and wrestling the way we used too and he kept coming up behind me and wrapping his arms around me the way he used to and when he dropped me off, he whispered "i'm being stupid, arent i" and i whispered "about what" and he said "her" and I took that to mean he was being stupid for going to her when he could have stayed with me but then when he left he promptly called her and it just hurts so much right now that i can't even see an end to it. this isn't okay. because while half of me knows i can't have him, the other half of me is screaming "well why not?" and everything i'm reading is saying "fight for love" but i can't because i refuse to do that to myself. i cannot keep doing this to myself. im killing myself and it feels exactly like drowning when you know theres a life preserver right next to you. i'm going to bed.
that's a lie.
i'm going to stay awake and make plans and make myself feel better before i sleep.
goodluck
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