Hey everyone. This is the very first post from my new iPod touch. I just wanted to wish everyone a very merry Christmas, and if you don't celebrate Christmas then I wish you happy holidays. Or you know, just have a good day if you are someone who doesn't celebrate this time of year for whatever reason.
I tried to post pictures and other stuff last night but things just didn't work out. Had a great day yesterday even though my chiefs lost to the Raiders during overtime. The broncos lost too though so that lessens the blow lol. My best friend J told me "it's really cliche but it's hot when u talk sports" lol! I hung out with my cousins, as I do every year on Christmas eve. We opened presents, ate lunch and laughed a lot. I have three cousins who live near me, and unfortunately all of their names start with a c so i can't exactly abbreviate like I usually do. I suppose I cOuld think up names for everyone but honestly that would just take too long and I would just end up confusing myself lol. Here are some highlights from yesterday:
Chase: duchess!! Come here!
Casey:*grabs onto duchess collar* no, she doesn't love you.
~
Casey: "I gave you three million dollars and Tokyo just cuz I felt like being a nice cousin"
~
We risked our lives to Jump a car through a burning ring of fire
~
"oh great anther 5000 dollar baby gift"
~
"yummmmmm guinea pig"
~
"the bread is heavy to keep the dead in the ground"
~
Boxes Are not to stand in.
"my hip!!!!!!! My hip!!!!!"
~
and if course the greatest quote ever...
My dad: if he starts freaking out, just break his nose. Seriously. It will mellow him out.
Random cute guy: oh look, dolphins.
Casey and I: MELLOW OUT!!!!! YOU'RE ENDANGERING OUR LIVES!!!!!
Hahaha anyways I'm going to post later on my computer about my progress. I know I haven't been tAlking about that a lot. I've just been so ashamed lately but it's time to suck it up and deal. I'll also reply to Sammy boo on the next post. Have a fantastic day everyone!!!!
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Hey Mr. Bartender, Mix Me a Drink, I Really Need Something to Tell Me Its Okay Not to Think
I guess in some ways I got lucky with my family. Lucky. Haha if you knew me you'd know why thats ironic. Right now Im in my sisters clothes. A short sleeve shirt underneath a ripped up dark gray long sleeved shirt. Even though the pocket is falling off and the sleeves are stretched out, this is my favorite shirt in the world. Couldn't for the life of me tell you why. I guess its just the knowledge that this was my sisters, this belonged to her, and she loved it.
My sister is really my half-sister, and even though she is twelve years older than I am, we can fit into the same size clothing. My feelings about this fluctuate. Sometimes I am glad that I am able to have tangable items of hers to hold onto. Sometimes this makes me really upset.
I stopped talking to my sister awhile ago. I guess I got tired of it. She's a lot like my dad, which is an awful thing. I fear I'm a lot like my dad as well. This is scary.
Unfortunately, when I stopped talking to my sister, I lost all ways of contacting my dads side of the family. Including my brother whos really my half-brother.
This upsets me too. Because we don't talk about that side of the family. The last time I remember seeing them is when we went to see my grandma in the hospital. My dad wouldn't pay for my sister to fly to Canada so she could say goodbye. I don't remember much about the funeral, or the hospital. All I remember is being in the living room with my next door neighbor listening to music. My mom told me Delainey had to go home, and I asked for one more song. So she said okay. I still feel guilty about that. I remember being in the car, listening to my dad try to get ahold of his sister, my aunt. I remember no one would answer his calls and I remember him telling my mom "she may have already died." I don't remember how I felt about that.
I remember how being in the hospital and changing my baby doll, putting her in some pants because it was cold in Canada.
I remember a man looking down at me and saying "Your grandma may look a little different. Don't be alarmed." That scared me, because I imagined her to look like a stranger. When we got into her room, she looked the same as ever.
I remember cleaning out her refrigerator, and seeing that she had batteries in there. Appearently if you refrigerate batteries, they last longer. She was a smart lady.
I remember throwing a fit because I didn't want to wear those stupid black shoes to the funeral.
And I remember my cousins playing in the dirt, far away from me.
The only memory I have of my brother is eating dinner at the table and hearing him walk through the front door. I think it was cold. I think it was snowing. I remember my dad saying "Go give your brother a hug." I did.
I guess that must have been right before he left. He left when I was three, to go live with his mom. I know why now. Its a horrible story.
I don't think I feel as sad as I should that I'm not able to talk to him anymore. I don't think he ever really liked me. I don't blame him. I miss him, and love him, but am incapable of hating him for not having those feelings about me.
I only remember a few other things about my dads side of the family. The rest was told to me by my sister.
What I remember: I have a cousin named Zach and a cousin named Danny. My grandpa Tom owns a farm in Walsenburg. My sister and I went there when I was little, and a black cat had just had kittens. We played with them on the floor of the living room.
What was told to me: Grandpa Tom is rich. I have a ton of cousins. My uncle sells bikes to George W Bush, our old president. Aunt Sharon misses me. Once upon a time, I loved Aunt Sharon, Danny, my whole family. Once upon a time, they loved me back.
I used to say that when I was eighteen, I was going to find my family. I envisioned a huge reconcilliation, where they would be in tears and there would be lots of hugs and everyone would tell me they tried their very hardest to stay in touch but my mean awful parents wouldn't let them.
I don't want to visit anymore. Because the truth is, there is a lot of resentment in my family. And I'm in the middle of it. There probably wouldn't be any hugs, any tears. They probably would resent me for walking in and ruining their lives.
I hate talking about my family. I hardly ever do it anymore. My friends would always tell me "I'm sure thats not true" when I said my family hates me. That gets on my nerves. They aren't in my family, they don't know. More than anything, thats what angers me, when people tell me I'm wrong.
I didn't intend for this post to be so long.
My day was good. Went to Ikea, which was amazing. Went to Bass Pro Shop, my favorite place ever. Went to Toby Keith's Bar and Grill (I Love This Bar) and had a hamburger. Hopefully walked off some of it. Managed to get away with not having breakfast nor dinner. Most of my calories came from liquids today. Ugh.
I'm a failure.
Sam: skittlebaby666@yahoo.com
I'm 5'3, how tall are you?
That's true about being contradictory, I've never thought of it that way.
You'll have to forgive me, I'm in a bad mood and don't really feel like talking. (Ironic considering the length of this post, but journaling and talking to an actual person are two different things I suppose.)
Here's a picture of one of my favorite memories. J and I went to a Chalk Festival, hence, why its written in chalk. I can't wait for summer again. Maybe then I wont always be so fucking cold.
My sister is really my half-sister, and even though she is twelve years older than I am, we can fit into the same size clothing. My feelings about this fluctuate. Sometimes I am glad that I am able to have tangable items of hers to hold onto. Sometimes this makes me really upset.
I stopped talking to my sister awhile ago. I guess I got tired of it. She's a lot like my dad, which is an awful thing. I fear I'm a lot like my dad as well. This is scary.
Unfortunately, when I stopped talking to my sister, I lost all ways of contacting my dads side of the family. Including my brother whos really my half-brother.
This upsets me too. Because we don't talk about that side of the family. The last time I remember seeing them is when we went to see my grandma in the hospital. My dad wouldn't pay for my sister to fly to Canada so she could say goodbye. I don't remember much about the funeral, or the hospital. All I remember is being in the living room with my next door neighbor listening to music. My mom told me Delainey had to go home, and I asked for one more song. So she said okay. I still feel guilty about that. I remember being in the car, listening to my dad try to get ahold of his sister, my aunt. I remember no one would answer his calls and I remember him telling my mom "she may have already died." I don't remember how I felt about that.
I remember how being in the hospital and changing my baby doll, putting her in some pants because it was cold in Canada.
I remember a man looking down at me and saying "Your grandma may look a little different. Don't be alarmed." That scared me, because I imagined her to look like a stranger. When we got into her room, she looked the same as ever.
I remember cleaning out her refrigerator, and seeing that she had batteries in there. Appearently if you refrigerate batteries, they last longer. She was a smart lady.
I remember throwing a fit because I didn't want to wear those stupid black shoes to the funeral.
And I remember my cousins playing in the dirt, far away from me.
The only memory I have of my brother is eating dinner at the table and hearing him walk through the front door. I think it was cold. I think it was snowing. I remember my dad saying "Go give your brother a hug." I did.
I guess that must have been right before he left. He left when I was three, to go live with his mom. I know why now. Its a horrible story.
I don't think I feel as sad as I should that I'm not able to talk to him anymore. I don't think he ever really liked me. I don't blame him. I miss him, and love him, but am incapable of hating him for not having those feelings about me.
I only remember a few other things about my dads side of the family. The rest was told to me by my sister.
What I remember: I have a cousin named Zach and a cousin named Danny. My grandpa Tom owns a farm in Walsenburg. My sister and I went there when I was little, and a black cat had just had kittens. We played with them on the floor of the living room.
What was told to me: Grandpa Tom is rich. I have a ton of cousins. My uncle sells bikes to George W Bush, our old president. Aunt Sharon misses me. Once upon a time, I loved Aunt Sharon, Danny, my whole family. Once upon a time, they loved me back.
I used to say that when I was eighteen, I was going to find my family. I envisioned a huge reconcilliation, where they would be in tears and there would be lots of hugs and everyone would tell me they tried their very hardest to stay in touch but my mean awful parents wouldn't let them.
I don't want to visit anymore. Because the truth is, there is a lot of resentment in my family. And I'm in the middle of it. There probably wouldn't be any hugs, any tears. They probably would resent me for walking in and ruining their lives.
I hate talking about my family. I hardly ever do it anymore. My friends would always tell me "I'm sure thats not true" when I said my family hates me. That gets on my nerves. They aren't in my family, they don't know. More than anything, thats what angers me, when people tell me I'm wrong.
I didn't intend for this post to be so long.
My day was good. Went to Ikea, which was amazing. Went to Bass Pro Shop, my favorite place ever. Went to Toby Keith's Bar and Grill (I Love This Bar) and had a hamburger. Hopefully walked off some of it. Managed to get away with not having breakfast nor dinner. Most of my calories came from liquids today. Ugh.
I'm a failure.
Sam: skittlebaby666@yahoo.com
I'm 5'3, how tall are you?
That's true about being contradictory, I've never thought of it that way.
You'll have to forgive me, I'm in a bad mood and don't really feel like talking. (Ironic considering the length of this post, but journaling and talking to an actual person are two different things I suppose.)
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Its late/early....!!!
Lol so Sam, you're 10 hours (behind? ahead of?) me. Good to know lol. Haha I know what you mean about RandJ. Awwwww you always make my day too.
"the language that cannot be spoken is often the most beautiful." there you go again with ur amazing words!
I can't stand the taste of diet pepsi. Blech.
And your welcome to blow up all my evil ex's if you'd like :)
Tomorrow I get to go to IKEA!!!! Its this store that just opened and its supposedly HUMONGEOUS!!! I'm excited...Haha and yeah, I get the same way when I'm tired, all discombobulated and everything. But I love staying up late too much to go to bed. Did that sentence make sense? Well, it did to me so I'm leaving it. Rawr. I have a good day planned tomorrow, cuz tomorrow is my first full day of Break! Yippee! Tee hee my favorite picture in the world:
Its adorable.
And yeah, I should probably sleep or else I'll be all grumpy tomorrow. Technically today since its already past midnight. I made some self discoveries. Or should I say someone else made them for me? Idk. I'll go into that tomorrow. Today. Whatever.
Goodnight, sleep tight.
"the language that cannot be spoken is often the most beautiful." there you go again with ur amazing words!
I can't stand the taste of diet pepsi. Blech.
And your welcome to blow up all my evil ex's if you'd like :)
Tomorrow I get to go to IKEA!!!! Its this store that just opened and its supposedly HUMONGEOUS!!! I'm excited...Haha and yeah, I get the same way when I'm tired, all discombobulated and everything. But I love staying up late too much to go to bed. Did that sentence make sense? Well, it did to me so I'm leaving it. Rawr. I have a good day planned tomorrow, cuz tomorrow is my first full day of Break! Yippee! Tee hee my favorite picture in the world:
And yeah, I should probably sleep or else I'll be all grumpy tomorrow. Technically today since its already past midnight. I made some self discoveries. Or should I say someone else made them for me? Idk. I'll go into that tomorrow. Today. Whatever.
Goodnight, sleep tight.
Happy Days Ruined by a Purple Haze
So I have a tendancy to be childish when teachers make me mad.Like today? After I was told by my Honors English Teacher that I didn't understand Romeo and Juliet? Yeah, I lost it. I've read that book every year for the past four years. This year will be me and my friend S's fifth year reading it. We tried to test out and scored high on our tests, but it wasn't a perfect 100 and Kastens hates Quest kids sooooo, yeah, she told us we weren't smart enough, and that we had to sit through class. Honestly? My friend S answers every question Kastens throws her way, and she doesn't even have to look at the book to do it. I'm over it. We decided we were done participating in that class. Which is where the childishness comes into play.
I know its super little kid of me to be like "She disagrees with me, so I'm not gonna do my work!" But honestly? I don't care lol.
Anyways though, had a day full of ups and downs, came home, and saw Sam had commented on my blog! Goodness gracious, she almost brought me to tears (happy tears haha) with her writing. First off, its gorgeous writing, "My father cannot sympathize with a dying flower" -amazing!! I'm sorry he cannot feel for you thought :( Second off, (where the tears come in) Its just that I've never ever seen my body the way you do. I don't ever hear nice things about it either, and just reading that, oh my goodness, WOW. Thank you so much :') And for the record, I think you are absoulutely gorgeous as well. Im just not good with words the way you are...
And its soooooo ironic that you mention a 1976 Mustang Shelby because that is the car I was almost named for!!!! :D Haha but yeah, I looooooooooove both those cars! And Dr. Pepper is AMAZINGLY tasty!!!! Also, the bands we both like that I saw were coldplay, snow patrol, skillet, hollywood undead, the fray and daughtry.
I love how this post is just basically a reply to Sam lol btw I emailed you :)
OH! I almost forgot! Today, J, Gbear and I managed to have a nice lunch, with no threatening on J's part. I don't know why J doesn't like Gbear...(Actually I do, J claims its cuz Gbear stepped on his applesauce, but even though J thinks he is, I know hes not that shallow. Its cuz J likes feeling like my best friend, which he is, and he doesn't want any other guys stealing that position, which hes just gonna have to get used to because I'm friends with a crap ton of boys) But you know what makes me really happy? Is when my guy friends are protective of me. Like today, after school, I was on the phone with my jerk of an ex boyfriend and first C and N were like, telling me to give them the phone so they could yell at him for almost making me cry, then M was like "I will beat that guy! Tell him I will beat him!" It was hilarious. Anyways...Imma just sit back and start enjoying my break now!! Peace!
I know its super little kid of me to be like "She disagrees with me, so I'm not gonna do my work!" But honestly? I don't care lol.
Anyways though, had a day full of ups and downs, came home, and saw Sam had commented on my blog! Goodness gracious, she almost brought me to tears (happy tears haha) with her writing. First off, its gorgeous writing, "My father cannot sympathize with a dying flower" -amazing!! I'm sorry he cannot feel for you thought :( Second off, (where the tears come in) Its just that I've never ever seen my body the way you do. I don't ever hear nice things about it either, and just reading that, oh my goodness, WOW. Thank you so much :') And for the record, I think you are absoulutely gorgeous as well. Im just not good with words the way you are...
And its soooooo ironic that you mention a 1976 Mustang Shelby because that is the car I was almost named for!!!! :D Haha but yeah, I looooooooooove both those cars! And Dr. Pepper is AMAZINGLY tasty!!!! Also, the bands we both like that I saw were coldplay, snow patrol, skillet, hollywood undead, the fray and daughtry.
I love how this post is just basically a reply to Sam lol btw I emailed you :)
OH! I almost forgot! Today, J, Gbear and I managed to have a nice lunch, with no threatening on J's part. I don't know why J doesn't like Gbear...(Actually I do, J claims its cuz Gbear stepped on his applesauce, but even though J thinks he is, I know hes not that shallow. Its cuz J likes feeling like my best friend, which he is, and he doesn't want any other guys stealing that position, which hes just gonna have to get used to because I'm friends with a crap ton of boys) But you know what makes me really happy? Is when my guy friends are protective of me. Like today, after school, I was on the phone with my jerk of an ex boyfriend and first C and N were like, telling me to give them the phone so they could yell at him for almost making me cry, then M was like "I will beat that guy! Tell him I will beat him!" It was hilarious. Anyways...Imma just sit back and start enjoying my break now!! Peace!
Monday, December 19, 2011
I tend to jump from topic to topic when I get tired
This is going to be really long. I don't care.
Don't read it if you don't want to, its only me rambling.
I always swore I'd never end up like my parents. I promised myself over and over that I'd be different. Yet, everyday I find similarities between me and them. My quick temper? I get that from my dad. My tendancy to stay in awful relationships? From my mom. My willigness to quickly forgive? Also from my mom. My I-dont-give-a-shit attitude? Thats from my dad. Im a mess of contradictions. I'm only fifteen, you'll have to forgive me :)
My day has been up and down. I had such awful mood swings that even I was afraid of myself lol and Im not even on my period. Scary. Sometimes people really piss me off and I'm torn between wanting to smack them and wanting to be a good person. Like my friend, S? She hates high school. We're both "gifted and talented" which means that we're smarter than the average bear. (Rant about GAT coming up really soon) The teachers at our HS dont have control over the kids and the kids don't want to learn anything anyway. But S is having a hard time because she does want to learn and the kids are pissing her off. Honestly? Im tired of her acting like shes better than them. Im tired of her complaining every single day about this because its stupid. I wanna scream at her to fix it for herself, but then, its like, how can she fix it? I get that shes super smart and that she is an overacheiver but that doesnt make her better than anyone else in our school. Idk, am I making sense? Bleh.
Gifted and Talented? Ugh thats a whole 'nother subject. I've been in the gifted and talented program since I was in kindergarten. Kindergarten. In my opinion, thats way to early to judge a kid. I never asked to be put in the higher classes, but in first grade I found myself first being transfered into a higher class for half the day, then being transfered into a second grade class for half the day. C'mon people, I was still picking my nose for crying out loud! Then my parents found out there was an entire school for kids like me. Yippee. To be fair, they did ask if I wanted to go. I said yes, because they told me my best friend would be going too. I've always known that I was never smart enough to be in that school. I had to have things explained to me over and over before I got them. I was always the kid who got B's and C's, which at my school was about the same as an F. It was A or failure. My friends used to ask what I needed help on, but eventually I got so embarrassed, I stopped letting them help me. High school is a great place for me, because I finally feel smart. I'm pulling A's in almost all my classes now, except for science, where I have no idea whats going on...
Maybe its Christmas, but I feel lonely. I've been over-analyzing all my past relationships lately and I feel like I if I just look hard enough, I can figure out why they didn't work and what I can do to change that...Idk. I think I like my gay best friend. Isn't that awesome? Haha, the word you're looking for is NO. J saved my life. Not going to lie, he's the reason I'm still here. And then of course theres that pesky little crush I have on my best friends crush...CRAP. My personal rule has ALWAYS been if one of my friends likes a guy I like, I back off, even if I liked him first. Its because of this rule I missed out on what probably would have been the greatest relationship ever. I liked the guy for three years but never told anyone because my ex best friend K liked him too. It wasn't even worth it in the end cuz K is a backstabber shit talker. And of course theres Ke. I met Ke and instantly fell for him. Everyone could tell but I constantly said "I dont like him!" which became a running joke between my friend B and I. "Oh, look, isn't that the guy you don't like?" I swear I have Ke radar tho, cuz no matter where I am, the minute I look up, I see him. He never sees me. Idk, I knew he was a player to begin with. I knew that. He cheated on one of my friends with another one of my friends and I still went for it. Because I have a tendancy to get into and stay in bad relationships...Im an idiot. But its like, Ke and I have had sooooo many cute adorable moments that its hard to like, just forget about him. There was homecoming, the grass outside, falling down the hill, walking around the building, the hallways, everywhere I go is another stupid memory. Today I'm pretty sure I saw him holding hands with some girl. I mean, its not like we're together or whatever, but like, you know...He said he wanted me back, like, last week. I just didn't think I'd be so easy to get over. I sound like a stupid teenage girl, which I am, but I still don't like sounding like one. Enough about love!
My best friend, (Well one of them) lets call her Dr. Pepper, she's amazing. Shes like ten pounds and shorter than me, but not by much. She's super shy and doesn't make friends easy because so many people have hurt her shes afraid to let people in. I've known Dr. Pepper since Kindy. Thats about ten years now. No one will ever replace her. After ten years, she knows exactly how to deal with me. I'm not the easiest person to get along with. I pick fights, because I can, and I'm extremely selfish and proud. But Dr. Pepper understands and forgives me for it. She's the first person I go to when I have a bad day, the person who talks shit with me, laughs with me, teases me and argues with me. I love her to death and would not be here without her either.
Sometimes I think I'm super blessed to have these amazing people in my life, but other times I just wish they would all go away. I think I'm going to end this rant now...I ran out of things to say and Im kinda embarrassed I revealed so much about myself here lol. I dont really care, I just feel like people will think mean things about me...:P
I also wanted to reply to Sam! :)
Haha reading your comment made my entire day like three thousand times better!
Rice and soup actually sounds reallllllllllly good! And five pounds is what my goal is! Hopefully I can so it...You sound absoulutely amazing and if I had ur email I would totally stalk you ;) haha Hypoglycemia SUCKS then. Grrrr....Well, I'm off to go comment on ur post lol
~LeeLee
This is me...Unfortunately.
Don't read it if you don't want to, its only me rambling.
I always swore I'd never end up like my parents. I promised myself over and over that I'd be different. Yet, everyday I find similarities between me and them. My quick temper? I get that from my dad. My tendancy to stay in awful relationships? From my mom. My willigness to quickly forgive? Also from my mom. My I-dont-give-a-shit attitude? Thats from my dad. Im a mess of contradictions. I'm only fifteen, you'll have to forgive me :)
My day has been up and down. I had such awful mood swings that even I was afraid of myself lol and Im not even on my period. Scary. Sometimes people really piss me off and I'm torn between wanting to smack them and wanting to be a good person. Like my friend, S? She hates high school. We're both "gifted and talented" which means that we're smarter than the average bear. (Rant about GAT coming up really soon) The teachers at our HS dont have control over the kids and the kids don't want to learn anything anyway. But S is having a hard time because she does want to learn and the kids are pissing her off. Honestly? Im tired of her acting like shes better than them. Im tired of her complaining every single day about this because its stupid. I wanna scream at her to fix it for herself, but then, its like, how can she fix it? I get that shes super smart and that she is an overacheiver but that doesnt make her better than anyone else in our school. Idk, am I making sense? Bleh.
Gifted and Talented? Ugh thats a whole 'nother subject. I've been in the gifted and talented program since I was in kindergarten. Kindergarten. In my opinion, thats way to early to judge a kid. I never asked to be put in the higher classes, but in first grade I found myself first being transfered into a higher class for half the day, then being transfered into a second grade class for half the day. C'mon people, I was still picking my nose for crying out loud! Then my parents found out there was an entire school for kids like me. Yippee. To be fair, they did ask if I wanted to go. I said yes, because they told me my best friend would be going too. I've always known that I was never smart enough to be in that school. I had to have things explained to me over and over before I got them. I was always the kid who got B's and C's, which at my school was about the same as an F. It was A or failure. My friends used to ask what I needed help on, but eventually I got so embarrassed, I stopped letting them help me. High school is a great place for me, because I finally feel smart. I'm pulling A's in almost all my classes now, except for science, where I have no idea whats going on...
Maybe its Christmas, but I feel lonely. I've been over-analyzing all my past relationships lately and I feel like I if I just look hard enough, I can figure out why they didn't work and what I can do to change that...Idk. I think I like my gay best friend. Isn't that awesome? Haha, the word you're looking for is NO. J saved my life. Not going to lie, he's the reason I'm still here. And then of course theres that pesky little crush I have on my best friends crush...CRAP. My personal rule has ALWAYS been if one of my friends likes a guy I like, I back off, even if I liked him first. Its because of this rule I missed out on what probably would have been the greatest relationship ever. I liked the guy for three years but never told anyone because my ex best friend K liked him too. It wasn't even worth it in the end cuz K is a backstabber shit talker. And of course theres Ke. I met Ke and instantly fell for him. Everyone could tell but I constantly said "I dont like him!" which became a running joke between my friend B and I. "Oh, look, isn't that the guy you don't like?" I swear I have Ke radar tho, cuz no matter where I am, the minute I look up, I see him. He never sees me. Idk, I knew he was a player to begin with. I knew that. He cheated on one of my friends with another one of my friends and I still went for it. Because I have a tendancy to get into and stay in bad relationships...Im an idiot. But its like, Ke and I have had sooooo many cute adorable moments that its hard to like, just forget about him. There was homecoming, the grass outside, falling down the hill, walking around the building, the hallways, everywhere I go is another stupid memory. Today I'm pretty sure I saw him holding hands with some girl. I mean, its not like we're together or whatever, but like, you know...He said he wanted me back, like, last week. I just didn't think I'd be so easy to get over. I sound like a stupid teenage girl, which I am, but I still don't like sounding like one. Enough about love!
My best friend, (Well one of them) lets call her Dr. Pepper, she's amazing. Shes like ten pounds and shorter than me, but not by much. She's super shy and doesn't make friends easy because so many people have hurt her shes afraid to let people in. I've known Dr. Pepper since Kindy. Thats about ten years now. No one will ever replace her. After ten years, she knows exactly how to deal with me. I'm not the easiest person to get along with. I pick fights, because I can, and I'm extremely selfish and proud. But Dr. Pepper understands and forgives me for it. She's the first person I go to when I have a bad day, the person who talks shit with me, laughs with me, teases me and argues with me. I love her to death and would not be here without her either.
Sometimes I think I'm super blessed to have these amazing people in my life, but other times I just wish they would all go away. I think I'm going to end this rant now...I ran out of things to say and Im kinda embarrassed I revealed so much about myself here lol. I dont really care, I just feel like people will think mean things about me...:P
I also wanted to reply to Sam! :)
Haha reading your comment made my entire day like three thousand times better!
Rice and soup actually sounds reallllllllllly good! And five pounds is what my goal is! Hopefully I can so it...You sound absoulutely amazing and if I had ur email I would totally stalk you ;) haha Hypoglycemia SUCKS then. Grrrr....Well, I'm off to go comment on ur post lol
~LeeLee
This is me...Unfortunately.Sunday, December 18, 2011
My Results
Cattell's 16 Factor Test Results
|
personality tests by similarminds.com
Failure
I'm soooo tired these days. I'm going to bed at like 9 o clock and still being tired after sleeping twelve or so hours. I'm also always cold.
Friday was bad. In third period I got dizzy and the world started spinning and I was super nauseous and at lunch J was being supportive and gave me a suuuper long hug and G was offering to take me to the nurse like every 3 seconds lol. The dizzying stayed for the entire day, but in 5th period, the teacher flipped out and made me go to the nurse and she made my friend S take me to the nurse in the elevator cuz she was afriad I couldn't take the stairs. The nurse gave me crackers and gatorade, which I ate, then sent me back to class. I told everyone the dizzyness went away but it didn't. After school, went to GSA/DSA party and had two pieces of pizza and like a few sips of Dr. Pepper. Felt soooo awful.
Saturday was a fail day too. I ate and ate and ate. Dinner was at a fancy restaurant with mi madre, had six pieces of bread, a plate of fetticine alfredo, and a caramel sundae. and the waiter we had was an absoulute dick. a funny dick, but still. God. He came back and looked at our bread basket, then at me and went "No wonder you ordered a diet coke." His tone screamed "fat ass". He had this HUGE stomach too and I just wanted to be like "Look at ur feet and if you can't see them, think before you talk. Bastard." Ugh.
And then today I just ate everything. Another piece of pizza, garlic bread, nuts, coke, cookies. God. I heard somewhere everytime you binge, it sets you back ten days. At this rate, I'm set back an entire month.
Ugh, I hate it when my mom walks into my room and talks on the phone for like an hour. I can't do anything on my computer because she'll see things I don't want her to see and I can't tell her to leave cuz then I'd be "rude" ugh.
Haha I do wanna thank Sam for being so nice lol. I loooooooove HP :) Haha I read ur entire blog and the videos you had up were hilarious!!
I think thats enough ranting for tonight. Break starts in two days!! yay!
Friday was bad. In third period I got dizzy and the world started spinning and I was super nauseous and at lunch J was being supportive and gave me a suuuper long hug and G was offering to take me to the nurse like every 3 seconds lol. The dizzying stayed for the entire day, but in 5th period, the teacher flipped out and made me go to the nurse and she made my friend S take me to the nurse in the elevator cuz she was afriad I couldn't take the stairs. The nurse gave me crackers and gatorade, which I ate, then sent me back to class. I told everyone the dizzyness went away but it didn't. After school, went to GSA/DSA party and had two pieces of pizza and like a few sips of Dr. Pepper. Felt soooo awful.
Saturday was a fail day too. I ate and ate and ate. Dinner was at a fancy restaurant with mi madre, had six pieces of bread, a plate of fetticine alfredo, and a caramel sundae. and the waiter we had was an absoulute dick. a funny dick, but still. God. He came back and looked at our bread basket, then at me and went "No wonder you ordered a diet coke." His tone screamed "fat ass". He had this HUGE stomach too and I just wanted to be like "Look at ur feet and if you can't see them, think before you talk. Bastard." Ugh.
And then today I just ate everything. Another piece of pizza, garlic bread, nuts, coke, cookies. God. I heard somewhere everytime you binge, it sets you back ten days. At this rate, I'm set back an entire month.
Ugh, I hate it when my mom walks into my room and talks on the phone for like an hour. I can't do anything on my computer because she'll see things I don't want her to see and I can't tell her to leave cuz then I'd be "rude" ugh.
Haha I do wanna thank Sam for being so nice lol. I loooooooove HP :) Haha I read ur entire blog and the videos you had up were hilarious!!
I think thats enough ranting for tonight. Break starts in two days!! yay!
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
I walk a lonely road, the only one that I have ever known
I was doing so well. I had refused the Christmas candy my mom put out for me. I had refused the pizza J offered me when I went back to school. And yet, there I found myself, in the middle of the art room finishing the Dr. Pepper and having two slices of cheese pizza. NASTY. FAT. GROSS. Yeah, I'm lovely. I hate this. The minute I took a bite of JG's cake (yes I had some of that too) I immediately wanted to eat the entire room. I proceeded to go home and have Lasanga and garlic bread. God. Im a dissapointment, especially to myself. I guess tomorrow I won't be eating anything. I'm pretty much surviving on gum and water and dinners which my parents make me eat. I feel gorgeous when my stomach growls.. :) Not anymore though. Whatever. Soon I'll have my control back...Don't stress so much Lee.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Hi Baby
They ask me am I okayThey ask me am I happy
Are they asking me this
Because of the shit thats been thrown at me
Or am I just a little snappy
And they geniunely care?
Baby most of my life its been
Just you and me there
Baby, you dont needa go the same route I went. I look at the girls on PT and some of them are your age and I wanna cry for them. I wanna cry for you. You. You're being raised in a loving environment. You tell your mommy and daddy everything and you have two brothers that, even though you think I'm crazy now, I swear you're gonna be grateful for when you get older. I'm scared for you. Next year you're gonna be a highschool and honey, I know that its hard out there. Please don't go down the same road I've gone down. If God is out there, and if He is listening to me, please just protect my cousin. She doesn't needa go down this path, she doesn't needa know anything about this kind of darkness.
I remember the day my mom and I drove to your house. She was in tears, and you were bewildered. We had suitcases, boxes, everything we owned in the back of our car. You didn't ask many questions, but I remember the look on your face when I told you there was a reason Uncle Dave wasn't with us. You told me we could stay for as long as we liked, you gave up half your bedroom. You told me about the boy you liked and about the girl who got her period. You've confided in me for years. We're close, yet I've never told you about the cutting, about what it felt like to watch the water wash all the blood away, about sitting on the floor of my bathtub, thinking about swallowing shampoo, cutting the vein wide open with a razor, wishing there was some form of physical hurt that could make me forget about the hurt inside of me. I don't think you understand what its like to be at your lowest. I pray you never have to experience that. You, you're naturally beautiful and you're going to drive the boys crazy in high school. Don't let them change you. I let a "good boy" change me and baby I regret it to this very day. Stand by your morales, have faith in what you believe in and never give up on yourself. See, because there are very few people in this world who are good, and I think you are one of those people. If I could tell you this in person, I would. I never had a younger sister. I would say "I wish you were my younger sister" but I wouldnt wish anyone into this fucked up family. Don't drink. Drinking will mess up your life. Don't have sex. You'll die. Haha, no but seriously, don't be loose in high school, it will just come back to bite you in the ass. Don't say things you're going to regret, because even though it might feel empowering to say them then, you're gonna feel guilty for it for the rest of your life. Baby, live your life good. Live it happy. You're beautiful the way you are, I swear it.
I love you so much
-Lee
Are they asking me this
Because of the shit thats been thrown at me
Or am I just a little snappy
And they geniunely care?
Baby most of my life its been
Just you and me there
Baby, you dont needa go the same route I went. I look at the girls on PT and some of them are your age and I wanna cry for them. I wanna cry for you. You. You're being raised in a loving environment. You tell your mommy and daddy everything and you have two brothers that, even though you think I'm crazy now, I swear you're gonna be grateful for when you get older. I'm scared for you. Next year you're gonna be a highschool and honey, I know that its hard out there. Please don't go down the same road I've gone down. If God is out there, and if He is listening to me, please just protect my cousin. She doesn't needa go down this path, she doesn't needa know anything about this kind of darkness.
I remember the day my mom and I drove to your house. She was in tears, and you were bewildered. We had suitcases, boxes, everything we owned in the back of our car. You didn't ask many questions, but I remember the look on your face when I told you there was a reason Uncle Dave wasn't with us. You told me we could stay for as long as we liked, you gave up half your bedroom. You told me about the boy you liked and about the girl who got her period. You've confided in me for years. We're close, yet I've never told you about the cutting, about what it felt like to watch the water wash all the blood away, about sitting on the floor of my bathtub, thinking about swallowing shampoo, cutting the vein wide open with a razor, wishing there was some form of physical hurt that could make me forget about the hurt inside of me. I don't think you understand what its like to be at your lowest. I pray you never have to experience that. You, you're naturally beautiful and you're going to drive the boys crazy in high school. Don't let them change you. I let a "good boy" change me and baby I regret it to this very day. Stand by your morales, have faith in what you believe in and never give up on yourself. See, because there are very few people in this world who are good, and I think you are one of those people. If I could tell you this in person, I would. I never had a younger sister. I would say "I wish you were my younger sister" but I wouldnt wish anyone into this fucked up family. Don't drink. Drinking will mess up your life. Don't have sex. You'll die. Haha, no but seriously, don't be loose in high school, it will just come back to bite you in the ass. Don't say things you're going to regret, because even though it might feel empowering to say them then, you're gonna feel guilty for it for the rest of your life. Baby, live your life good. Live it happy. You're beautiful the way you are, I swear it.
I love you so much
-Lee
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Rawrgh
You fucked up my life asshole. I fucking wish that I'd never met you cuz bitch, you ruined me. wtf, who gets their gf into shit like this? fuck u and fuck ur whole little group because every single one of them is just as fucked up as you are. god damn just let me walk out of your life, dont chase, dont beg, just shut the fuck up and let me leave. im not yours to keep and control. hear that baby? im. not. yours. Im with him now and im damn miserable but at least im happier with him than you. god i hate you.
On the other hand, my bf of like, 2 weeks broke up with me today. Yay. My best friend is an asshole. My other best friend is dissapointed as hell in me, or she will be when she finds out what i did. And yet another best friend is trying her dammnest to keep my head above water. life is spectacular. im eating like im a goddamn fucking pig. i hate myself. why am i not losing? why am i not focused on that anymore? fuck this.
On the other hand, my bf of like, 2 weeks broke up with me today. Yay. My best friend is an asshole. My other best friend is dissapointed as hell in me, or she will be when she finds out what i did. And yet another best friend is trying her dammnest to keep my head above water. life is spectacular. im eating like im a goddamn fucking pig. i hate myself. why am i not losing? why am i not focused on that anymore? fuck this.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Baby don't worry, even if the sky is falling down
And its funny how everyone thought he was going to be the player in this relationship...
Turns out I'm the player.
He's kept the promise he made to me, but yet everytime he turns around, there I am, all over other guys. I love him, I do. So why can't I stop acting like this?
Turns out I'm the player.
He's kept the promise he made to me, but yet everytime he turns around, there I am, all over other guys. I love him, I do. So why can't I stop acting like this?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)