I tend to jump from topic to topic when I get tired

This is going to be really long. I don't care.
Don't read it if you don't want to, its only me rambling.

I always swore I'd never end up like my parents. I promised myself over and over that I'd be different. Yet, everyday I find similarities between me and them. My quick temper? I get that from my dad. My tendancy to stay in awful relationships? From my mom. My willigness to quickly forgive? Also from my mom. My I-dont-give-a-shit attitude? Thats from my dad. Im a mess of contradictions. I'm only fifteen, you'll have to forgive me :)
My day has been up and down. I had such awful mood swings that even I was afraid of myself lol and Im not even on my period. Scary. Sometimes people really piss me off and I'm torn between wanting to smack them and wanting to be a good person. Like my friend, S? She hates high school. We're both "gifted and talented" which means that we're smarter than the average bear. (Rant about GAT coming up really soon) The teachers at our HS dont have control over the kids and the kids don't want to learn anything anyway. But S is having a hard time because she does want to learn and the kids are pissing her off. Honestly? Im tired of her acting like shes better than them. Im tired of her complaining every single day about this because its stupid. I wanna scream at her to fix it for herself, but then, its like, how can she fix it? I get that shes super smart and that she is an overacheiver but that doesnt make her better than anyone else in our school. Idk, am I making sense? Bleh.
Gifted and Talented? Ugh thats a whole 'nother subject. I've been in the gifted and talented program since I was in kindergarten. Kindergarten. In my opinion, thats way to early to judge a kid. I never asked to be put in the higher classes, but in first grade I found myself first being transfered into a higher class for half the day, then being transfered into a second grade class for half the day. C'mon people, I was still picking my nose for crying out loud! Then my parents found out there was an entire school for kids like me. Yippee. To be fair, they did ask if I wanted to go. I said yes, because they told me my best friend would be going too. I've always known that I was never smart enough to be in that school. I had to have things explained to me over and over before I got them. I was always the kid who got B's and C's, which at my school was about the same as an F. It was A or failure. My friends used to ask what I needed help on, but eventually I got so embarrassed, I stopped letting them help me. High school is a great place for me, because I finally feel smart. I'm pulling A's in almost all my classes now, except for science, where I have no idea whats going on...
Maybe its Christmas, but I feel lonely. I've been over-analyzing all my past relationships lately and I feel like I if I just look hard enough, I can figure out why they didn't work and what I can do to change that...Idk. I think I like my gay best friend. Isn't that awesome? Haha, the word you're looking for is NO. J saved my life. Not going to lie, he's the reason I'm still here. And then of course theres that pesky little crush I have on my best friends crush...CRAP. My personal rule has ALWAYS been if one of my friends likes a guy I like, I back off, even if I liked him first. Its because of this rule I missed out on what probably would have been the greatest relationship ever. I liked the guy for three years but never told anyone because my ex best friend K liked him too. It wasn't even worth it in the end cuz K is a backstabber shit talker. And of course theres Ke. I met Ke and instantly fell for him. Everyone could tell but I constantly said "I dont like him!" which became a running joke between my friend B and I. "Oh, look, isn't that the guy you don't like?" I swear I have Ke radar tho, cuz no matter where I am, the minute I look up, I see him. He never sees me. Idk, I knew he was a player to begin with. I knew that. He cheated on one of my friends with another one of my friends and I still went for it. Because I have a tendancy to get into and stay in bad relationships...Im an idiot. But its like, Ke and I have had sooooo many cute adorable moments that its hard to like, just forget about him. There was homecoming, the grass outside, falling down the hill, walking around the building, the hallways, everywhere I go is another stupid memory. Today I'm pretty sure I saw him holding hands with some girl. I mean, its not like we're together or whatever, but like, you know...He said he wanted me back, like, last week. I just didn't think I'd be so easy to get over. I sound like a stupid teenage girl, which I am, but I still don't like sounding like one. Enough about love!
My best friend, (Well one of them) lets call her Dr. Pepper, she's amazing. Shes like ten pounds and shorter than me, but not by much. She's super shy and doesn't make friends easy because so many people have hurt her shes afraid to let people in. I've known Dr. Pepper since Kindy. Thats about ten years now. No one will ever replace her. After ten years, she knows exactly how to deal with me. I'm not the easiest person to get along with. I pick fights, because I can, and I'm extremely selfish and proud. But Dr. Pepper understands and forgives me for it. She's the first person I go to when I have a bad day, the person who talks shit with me, laughs with me, teases me and argues with me. I love her to death and would not be here without her either.
Sometimes I think I'm super blessed to have these amazing people in my life, but other times I just wish they would all go away. I think I'm going to end this rant now...I ran out of things to say and Im kinda embarrassed I revealed so much about myself here lol. I dont really care, I just feel like people will think mean things about me...:P
I also wanted to reply to Sam! :)
Haha reading your comment made my entire day like three thousand times better!
Rice and soup actually sounds reallllllllllly good! And five pounds is what my goal is! Hopefully I can so it...You sound absoulutely amazing and if I had ur email I would totally stalk you ;) haha Hypoglycemia SUCKS then. Grrrr....Well, I'm off to go comment on ur post lol
~LeeLee

This is me...Unfortunately.

My Results

Cattell's 16 Factor Test Results Warmth ||||||||||||||| 50% Intellect ||||||||||||||||||||| 66% Emotional Stability |||||||||||| 38% Aggressiveness ||||||||||||||||||||| 62% Liveliness ||||||||||||||||||||| 70% Dutifulness ||||||||||||||||||||| 70% Social Assertiveness ||||||||||||||||||||| 62% Sensitivity |||||||||||||||||| 54% Paranoia |||||||||||| 34% Abstractness ||||||||||||||||||||| 70% Introversion ||||||||||||||| 46% Anxiety |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74% Openmindedness ||||||||||||||| 46% Independence ||||||||||||||||||||| 62% Perfectionism ||||||||||||||||||||| 66% Tension ||||||||||||||| 46%

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Failure

I'm soooo tired these days. I'm going to bed at like 9 o clock and still being tired after sleeping twelve or so hours. I'm also always cold.
Friday was bad. In third period I got dizzy and the world started spinning and I was super nauseous and at lunch J was being supportive and gave me a suuuper long hug and G was offering to take me to the nurse like every 3 seconds lol. The dizzying stayed for the entire day, but in 5th period, the teacher flipped out and made me go to the nurse and she made my friend S take me to the nurse in the elevator cuz she was afriad I couldn't take the stairs. The nurse gave me crackers and gatorade, which I ate, then sent me back to class. I told everyone the dizzyness went away but it didn't. After school, went to GSA/DSA party and had two pieces of pizza and like a few sips of Dr. Pepper. Felt soooo awful.
Saturday was a fail day too. I ate and ate and ate. Dinner was at a fancy restaurant with mi madre, had six pieces of bread, a plate of fetticine alfredo, and a caramel sundae. and the waiter we had was an absoulute dick. a funny dick, but still. God. He came back and looked at our bread basket, then at me and went "No wonder you ordered a diet coke." His tone screamed "fat ass". He had this HUGE stomach too and I just wanted to be like "Look at ur feet and if you can't see them, think before you talk. Bastard." Ugh.
And then today I just ate everything. Another piece of pizza, garlic bread, nuts, coke, cookies. God. I heard somewhere everytime you binge, it sets you back ten days. At this rate, I'm set back an entire month.
Ugh, I hate it when my mom walks into my room and talks on the phone for like an hour. I can't do anything on my computer because she'll see things I don't want her to see and I can't tell her to leave cuz then I'd be "rude" ugh.
Haha I do wanna thank Sam for being so nice lol. I loooooooove HP :) Haha I read ur entire blog and the videos you had up were hilarious!!
I think thats enough ranting for tonight. Break starts in two days!! yay!

I walk a lonely road, the only one that I have ever known

I was doing so well. I had refused the Christmas candy my mom put out for me. I had refused the pizza J offered me when I went back to school. And yet, there I found myself, in the middle of the art room finishing the Dr. Pepper and having two slices of cheese pizza. NASTY. FAT. GROSS. Yeah, I'm lovely. I hate this. The minute I took a bite of JG's cake (yes I had some of that too) I immediately wanted to eat the entire room. I proceeded to go home and have Lasanga and garlic bread. God. Im a dissapointment, especially to myself. I guess tomorrow I won't be eating anything. I'm pretty much surviving on gum and water and dinners which my parents make me eat. I feel gorgeous when my stomach growls.. :) Not anymore though. Whatever. Soon I'll have my control back...Don't stress so much Lee.

Hi Baby

They ask me am I okayThey ask me am I happy
Are they asking me this
Because of the shit thats been thrown at me
Or am I just a little snappy
And they geniunely care?
Baby most of my life its been
Just you and me there

Baby, you dont needa go the same route I went. I look at the girls on PT and some of them are your age and I wanna cry for them. I wanna cry for you. You. You're being raised in a loving environment. You tell your mommy and daddy everything and you have two brothers that, even though you think I'm crazy now, I swear you're gonna be grateful for when you get older. I'm scared for you. Next year you're gonna be a highschool and honey, I know that its hard out there. Please don't go down the same road I've gone down. If God is out there, and if He is listening to me, please just protect my cousin. She doesn't needa go down this path, she doesn't needa know anything about this kind of darkness.
I remember the day my mom and I drove to your house. She was in tears, and you were bewildered. We had suitcases, boxes, everything we owned in the back of our car. You didn't ask many questions, but I remember the look on your face when I told you there was a reason Uncle Dave wasn't with us. You told me we could stay for as long as we liked, you gave up half your bedroom. You told me about the boy you liked and about the girl who got her period. You've confided in me for years. We're close, yet I've never told you about the cutting, about what it felt like to watch the water wash all the blood away, about sitting on the floor of my bathtub, thinking about swallowing shampoo, cutting the vein wide open with a razor, wishing there was some form of physical hurt that could make me forget about the hurt inside of me. I don't think you understand what its like to be at your lowest. I pray you never have to experience that. You, you're naturally beautiful and you're going to drive the boys crazy in high school. Don't let them change you. I let a "good boy" change me and baby I regret it to this very day. Stand by your morales, have faith in what you believe in and never give up on yourself. See, because there are very few people in this world who are good, and I think you are one of those people. If I could tell you this in person, I would. I never had a younger sister. I would say "I wish you were my younger sister" but I wouldnt wish anyone into this fucked up family. Don't drink. Drinking will mess up your life. Don't have sex. You'll die. Haha, no but seriously, don't be loose in high school, it will just come back to bite you in the ass. Don't say things you're going to regret, because even though it might feel empowering to say them then, you're gonna feel guilty for it for the rest of your life. Baby, live your life good. Live it happy. You're beautiful the way you are, I swear it.
I love you so much
-Lee

Rawrgh

You fucked up my life asshole. I fucking wish that I'd never met you cuz bitch, you ruined me. wtf, who gets their gf into shit like this? fuck u and fuck ur whole little group because every single one of them is just as fucked up as you are. god damn just let me walk out of your life, dont chase, dont beg, just shut the fuck up and let me leave. im not yours to keep and control. hear that baby? im. not. yours. Im with him now and im damn miserable but at least im happier with him than you. god i hate you.

On the other hand, my bf of like, 2 weeks broke up with me today. Yay. My best friend is an asshole. My other best friend is dissapointed as hell in me, or she will be when she finds out what i did. And yet another best friend is trying her dammnest to keep my head above water. life is spectacular. im eating like im a goddamn fucking pig. i hate myself. why am i not losing? why am i not focused on that anymore? fuck this.

Baby don't worry, even if the sky is falling down

And its funny how everyone thought he was going to be the player in this relationship...
Turns out I'm the player.
He's kept the promise he made to me, but yet everytime he turns around, there I am, all over other guys. I love him, I do. So why can't I stop acting like this?