5

I bought my first pair of size 5 jeans the other day :D

I'm alone

Last night, I skyped with M for a long time. And I was looking at him through my screen and feeling really optimistic about making this friendship work. It was going good. And then I went to bed and had 2 (TWO) dreams about him. We kissed both times and he picked me up and made me wrap my legs around him as we kissed and god it just felt so right and so good. I woke up in this funk I haven't been able to shake all day. I just feel...depressed. Like, I get that he loves her. I get that she makes him happy. I get that we're just friends. But I cannot stop thinking about him or wishing he was right beside me. This makes me a bad person. But when we met at the park, he kissed me on the cheek twice. And that just confused me. Because we were throwing each other in the snow and wrestling the way we used too and he kept coming up behind me and wrapping his arms around me the way he used to and when he dropped me off, he whispered "i'm being stupid, arent i" and i whispered "about what" and he said "her" and I took that to mean he was being stupid for going to her when he could have stayed with me but then when he left he promptly called her and it just hurts so much right now that i can't even see an end to it. this isn't okay. because while half of me knows i can't have him, the other half of me is screaming "well why not?" and everything i'm reading is saying "fight for love" but i can't because i refuse to do that to myself. i cannot keep doing this to myself. im killing myself and it feels exactly like drowning when you know theres a life preserver right next to you. i'm going to bed.
that's a lie.
i'm going to stay awake and make plans and make myself feel better before i sleep.
goodluck

Seriously. Life-altering.

http://thequietplaceproject.com/thequietplace
http://thequietplaceproject.com/thethoughtsroom/

Dear Future Self...On the issue of Boys.

Read this when you want him back:
Hi Lee.
Are you thinking about him? Don't. He wasn't worth it. And I know you'll disagree with that. I KNOW it. But try and remember all the times you would get irritated with him. When he'd push you to tell him something you didn't want to. When he always had to be better than you. When he'd do muay thai moves on you. And I know you would have put up with that forever, because you cared so much for this boy. But he is happy. He loves her. He left you, FOR HER. And you know what? You are better because of it. You are beautiful and strong and incredible. There WILL be other guys, guys who will make your heart skip a beat and make your stomach sprout butterflies. There will be a guy, or two or five who make you forget about M and all the pain you are feeling right now. And I don't know when it will happen, but it will. Maybe in five years, maybe in seven, maybe in a month. I don't know, but it will. And when you find a guy who will treat you right, and perservere through everything with you, you will realize that M was necessary so that you could appreciate this guy. I think that everything happens for a reason, and for three months, you had this beautiful, exquisite relationship so that you could learn this one simple lesson: You deserve the best. Not close to the best, or almost the best, THE BEST. You deserve that guy who you can call crying at 4am. You deserve the guy who will take silly pictures with you, and bake cakes, and pick you up in his car, and kiss you in the rain, and buy you starbucks, and play with your hair, and kiss your neck, and kiss your shoulder. You deserve that guy, and that guy ISN'T M, no matter how much you want him to be. I'm so sorry honey, I know a thousand words would never be able to make you stop missing him, but you will be okay. You will grow old and you will meet so many amazing boys. You will remain friends with M, and maybe one day, you'll look up and realize that thinking about him doesn't hurt anymore, and talking to him isn't painful. And you'll look back and see how far you both have come and you'll be proud of yourself and of him and you will smile. You will smile. A boy will make you smile, and it will be a million smiles and a thousand boys and you will make it through this, because you are incredible. There will be a guy who'll compromise and put your happiness first, and send you good morning messages, and buy you flowers, and who'll wake up next to you and come home from work to you and who will go on thousands of dates with you. You will have gorgeous children and when your daughter or daughters have their hearts broken by their first loves in high school, you will look at them and share your story of a boy named M, who was actually born in Nebraska, and who broke your heart. And then hopefully, you'll call him up and tell him, and you will both laugh and move on with your lives. Honey, you will get past this. You will have a wonderful career, an amazing family, a house that you'll turn into a home, and friends, and he will hopefully be one of those friends. And you will wake up one day and realize that your heart doesn't hurt and that you can remember things without crying. And then you'll be okay. You'll be okay, because there are only happy endings, so if you aren't happy, it isn't the end. You will be alright. I know you loved him. I know you really could see yourself spending eternity with him, and that you still hold onto a hope that you'll get back together, but it wont happen. And that's okay, because that just means you have the freedom to learn from everything, and then move on and find someone who can make you happier. and I know that looks so impossible right now, but you CAN do it, and you WILL do it. You're beautiful. I love you.

Try

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yTCDVfMz15M&feature=branded



LOVING. THIS. SONG

Good day

Today is a good day, despite the fact that I'm still waiting on an apology from M. On friday night we were texting back and forth and my phone died, so I turned it off. When I turned it back on, I asked him how he was, and he texts back and says "Can we just not talk right now. I'm sorry" I was pissed. Like, little boy! I am trying to be polite here! But then I got on fb and saw that his new girlfriend had posted something along the lines of "if this is what it's going to be like, I have no problem walking away from it" so I think they're having relationship problems. My feelings about that vary. On one hand I'm like fuck yeah! On the other hand I really want him to be happy. Preferably with me, but whatever. I just transfered all his texts into a word document, and I'm loving all the space I have on my phone, but reading through them all made me a little sad. Not as sad as I had anticipated though. Mostly it put me in a "fuck him" mood. You know? I was like wooooow, he was a liar. I lost a lot of respect for him. RAWR. I dunno where I'm going with this though.  Either way, have a good day lovelies!

So. It's been awhile huh? I'm a sophmore now. It's hard. I'm 116 pounds, but I was broken up with on September 30, 2012, so that number could go way up. My computer was broke, and now it's fixed again. And honestly, I was doing okay. I really really was until I got on tumblr. Until I reloaded skype and realized everything was wiped clean. I have no copies of the chatting M and I would do on Skype, no record of all the hours we've spent staring at each other through the screen. I'm dying. I'm looking through all my tumblr posts and they are all super depressing, and they remind me of what I have lost. I'm losing it. I miss him so much. He was so good for me. He was the perfect guy. I never believed in marriage or love forever until he made me. He got me to start thinking about forever, then just ripped it away. He's got another girl now. Do you know what it's like to be so in love with someone that all you want is just...them? Them forever and ever. Do you know what it's like to give a guy every last fucking thing you have and have him just decide he doesn't want it? It kills. How can someone be 'in love' with you one day and then the next day just decide he doesn't want you anymore. How are you supposed to get over something like that? It's awful. It just reafirms everything I've ever thought about myself. That I was never enough to keep a guy, that it was too difficult to be with me, that I was too ugly to make a guy want to work for me. UGH.
I feel so empty which kills me. All my friends are killing themselves trying to make me happy and for a few moments, I can be. I can relax and just let myself be okay. But then they leave me and I'm back to being alone again. It sucks. I still would drop everything for him. And I know he'd never hesitate to drop everything for me. Do you know what thats like? To know that he'd be willing to do anything for me, but that he doesn't love me anymore?
IT SUCKS. I just wanna kill someone. But not him. Because his happiness is important. I told that boy everything. Literally, everything. Things I have never told anyone. I'd go to him for everything, and I KNEW that was dangerous. I knew that wasn't smart. I never let myself get close to boys before because it would always end badly. But he was different. I thought.
He called me the other night just to see if I was okay. I told him I was. I wish I had told him that I was dying without him. I'm so jealous of his girlfriend.
And I keep telling myself that I'm fine. But if I were truly fine, I wouldn't still be facebook stalking him and her, or jumping for my phone every time it buzzes, hoping beyond hope it'll be him. I miss him. So much. GOD.
I'm still holding onto a little but of hope that we'll get back together someday. I need to let that go. ASAP.

It's been awhile...

So yeah...it's been awhile since I posted. I went on spring break and ate probably twice my body weight the entire week. I went to see my grandparents. I don't know why but this week has been really awful in terms of like, emotions. I'm a complete mess.
Is there anyone out there who is a fremione fan? Cuz I happen to love it....
More tomorrow, probably.
Love you.

Collarbones

I think I'm slowly losing my mind. I'm used to being smart. I depend on my brains. High school is full of dumbasses. I got into a school for the Gifted and Talented because of my ability to write. The sentences I put together barely make sense anymore and the part of me that used to stop and think rationally is gone and there is only this thing inside of my head that tells me to go and go and go so far that even if I tried I'd never be able to get back to where I came from. "State your thesis then give me reasons...reasons why your thesis is true, each reason supported by two or three examples from the text" but if my life is a book then theres no way I'd be able to prove anything to you, except maybe that I come from a fucked up family and a fucked up childhood.
My father raped my brother and all I want in my life is a dependable male. My dad hits me and my mom cries and promises me we'll leave, we'll leave, it'll be okay cuz we'll leave. My brother wants nothing to do with me and I can feel the hate, the guilt, the utter lack of feeling towards me when we Skype. We never Skype alone, I'm always with my sister and sometimes his baby girl MacKenzie joins him at his computer. I want to meet MacKenzie and yet I never want to meet MacKenzie.
I was almost named MacKenzie, you know. I was almost named a lot of things and it seems fitting that I got stuck with a name like mine. So pretty, perhaps thats why I hate it. MacKenzie deserves so much more than I can give her, so much more then stories of a fucked up childhood and "oh Kenzie, you'll never guess what your sonofabitch father did then."
I get my anger from my dad and he tells me my mom is worried that after I get my license I'll drive away and never come back and I'll never tell her how she hit the nail on the head with that prediction, because thats exactly what I want to do. I want to drive and drive and drive until I fall off the edge of the world.
And its like everytime I talk to someone they can't understand and I'm slipping and I'm falling so far away that I'm afraid I won't find myself and I can't find myself, the old me, the one who never ever was like this, couldn't imagine losing an ounce of control, let alone the entire goddamn thing.
You told me I only care about myself. Yeah, that's true. Baby, its a dog eat dog out there and I'm so afraid I'm going to wind up dead that I kill everyone before they can kill me and it's not even that I didn't care about you, because on some level I did and you know what, I would have brought the goddamn cookies for you the next day if you hadn't shoved me back.
All I want is a good dependable person, someone to lean on when things get rough, but I don't want a dependable person, because I had one and then I shoved them all away and I can't even deal with those "good dependable people" because they all fucking make me sick and I heard somewhere that cussing just proves how ignorant you are as a human being. Wanna know what I say to that? OH YEAH MOTHERFUCKERS? WELL FUCKING SUCK YOUR OWN FUCKING COCKS YOU WHORISH ASSHOLE MOTHERFUCKING BITCHES.
I try so hard everyday to hold it together for everyone else when they can't even be bothered to do the same.
And Ally, you were supposed to be there for my first date. But you left me and I can't even...
It's not your fault.
I made flan. It sucked. It was Jello Flan, that's why. And they tell me I'm good at baking, which scareds me because I don't want to be good at anything ever again. Not since swimming blew up in my face. When you told him I used to be on the swim team, I couldn't even look at him. That "oh, really?" killed me, and when you told him I was good at it, I wanted to throw a temper tantrum. They say you have to love something with every fibre of your being, every ounce of yourself, but every bit of passion into it, before you can ever truly hate it. Well guess what? I HATE SWIMMING.
My collarbones are the only parts of myself that I like and at night I run my hands over them and feel them sticking out more prominently then ever before. The only thing that sticks out. My hips will get there soon. 125.5. It was a miracle to see that number on the scale. And during my period too! Look, Ma, No food!! Haha I'm clever. I'm clever and funny and going to Hell because the things I laugh at are things that are not funny in the slightest. I love you baby doll. Don't ever be like your cousin,  ok? Cuz you'll fuck up your life.
Or maybe you should fuck up your life, and I'll help you, just so we can have something to talk about.

Numbers

125.5

also...
2-3-12.

Hella happy right now.
He's a boy from my past...
He'll be good for me.
For sure.
Goodnight beautifuls!