The question...

He's the only one who stuck by me throughout these years. I was depressed, I was self harming, I was doing everything I could to push everyone away from me, but he held on. He held on for so long. He knows everything about me. He knows what I went through and he knows how self destructive I am. He is the only one who I feel safe with, the only person I feel comfortable enough around to wear shorts. Shorts, ha ha. What a shallow object, yet an object that makes me feel so self concious. While self harming, I was always very paraniod. I didn't want to get caught, so I never did it on my arms. I did it on my hip bones and on the insides of my thighs. Now there are scars that aren't fading, scars that I kill myself trying to cover. Even in 3 hundred degree weather, I wear jeans, just so that nobody can see behind the act I work so hard to keep up. Yet, I feel so in touch with myself when I'm with him, that I feel comfortable enough to wear shorts. He's the only one whos seen my scars.
He loves me despite them
God, hes my best friend, and I  hate keeping this from him. But I'm terrifyed. Terrified that if I told him he'd ask me the one question I can't answer.
"If you have an ED, why aren't you skinny?"
God if he only knew.....

128

So, awhile ago I was at the doctors office. About to step on the scale, which as most of you know is super scary. I held my breathe and looked down at the little numbers. 128. OMG. I haven't been 128 in a ridiculously long time.
Anyway though, I'm still continuing to eat only small amount and I've been walking to and from school every day, so thats 40 minutes of excersize. I think I'm going to start doing crunches again though. I hate my stomach, but my boyfriend seems to loooove poking it and everytime he does I'm disgusted with myself. Its huge and nasty. Now, my boyfriend is super strong and can pick me up (and does all the time, much to my horror), but there is a limit to how much he can pick up and I feel like I'm about to pass that limit. I hate it when we stand next to each other because I always feel like if he could see me in comparasion to him, he'd leave me. I feel like if I can loose some more weight, he'll decide to stay with me. IDK. Maybe I'm stupid, but this is High School...Boys don't often look past looks. I think about all my bf's ex girlfriends and how they're all so much smaller than I am. Ugh. Maybe I should just date a fat guy. Blarg.
Sometimes, when I eat, I feel this tug deep inside my throat and its like my body wants me to throw everything I ate back up. I've resisted so far, but I can't stop thinking about how much better I would feel if I did throw everything up. I've heard horror stories about what it can do to someone. Acid eats away at their throats and ruins their vocal chords, but I want so bad to feel empty, achingly empty...Maybe I'll give in. I'll keep you posted. Ha. Like there is any one here who is even reading this, let alone someone who cares.

2 Weeks after ninth grade started...

You have no idea how good it is to be back. Back on the PrettyThin website, back to blogging, back to being best friends with Ana...Or at least trying to be. Theres something completely freeing about being here on a website where no one knows you. I don't have to put on a happy face if I'm not happy, and I don't have to hide any part of me. Here it all is:
Height: 5"2
Weight: 135
My history?
Fifth grade is when everything sort of fell apart. Mom and dad were fighting, and I quit swim team. I gained weight, mostly in my thighs. My thighs have always been cringe worthy. Always. They're huge. But mostly it was seventh grade when I got on birth control. No, I'm not sexually active, im only 14. But I am a swimmer (or at least I was) and so I thought, hey, no periods? Great! Untill I realized what birth control really does. It tricks your body into thinking you're pregnant. That means you start gaining. Now, my thighs don't matter so much anymore. Its my stomach that is huge. When ever I lean over even the slightest bit, I can feel my fat rolls forming. It's disgusting. It used to be that my stomach wasn't even on my radar. I sucked in and it pretty much disappeared. It was the only part of me that was skinny. Now, its just another fat part. Obviously, if you've read the post before this one, you'll know I wanted to be 100 before ninth grade started. Ninth grade started two weeks ago and I'm still 135. But I've been eating little things. I'll keep you updated on that not that you really care lol!
Kisses and Hugs
One day I'll be good enough

Broken

"If my parents knew that I was doing this, they'd be shocked. They don't really believe in diets. I've never been obese. Oh God no, never. And I hang out with lots of people fatter than me. It's just that sometimes when I look at my skinny friends I want to be like them so bad it hurts. To me, 100 pounds is beautiful. If I were 100 pounds I'd be so happy. But it's hard when I go home and I'm encouraged to eat. Things call out to me. My parents aren't exactly health conscious so they buy things like Cheetos and Chips all the time. Every time I've tried to diet before, the food in my home breaks me. However, this time I've decided to get some support. I joined this website called PrettyThin and I think this time I'm really going to be able to lose some weight. Right now I'm 127. By the time ninth grade rolls around, I want to be 100, maybe even a little less. All I need to do is eat less calories than my body needs and I'm golden. This will be a piece of cake."
That was what I posted this summer. By the end of summer, I was 135.