Hey baby. That kid that you keep thinking about? He was so so bad for you. I won't even beat it around the bush, I'll just jump right into telling you the honest truth. He was a classic terrible relationship. That boy was controlling, emotionally manipulative, forceful, and borderline physically abusive.
Yeah. Stop making excuses in your head, got it? That's exactly the way he was.
He was scared to be alone. He came back to you. He might even come back again. It'll be even worse if you go back. Remember that.
You had your first cigarette today. It tasted bitter, just like you.
Remember all of those times he would push you into doing things you didn't want to? Whether it was physical stuff or not, he pushed and pushed and when you kept saying no, he'd say you didn't love him, that you wanted to, or he'd cry until you gave him his way. When you would compromise, it always had to be his way. When you were obviously, glaringly uncomfortable with something, he wouldn't notice, even though it was his JOB to notice those things and keep you safe from them. Even after he learned about what happened with her, he still pushed those things. He joked about it too, Allie. Goddamn it and you thought you loved him. How could you love that?
Remember when your leg muscles were tender and he touched them? You flinched and he asked what was wrong and when you wouldn't tell him BECAUSE IT DIDN'T MATTER, he grabbed you by the legs and squeezed them while pulling you to him. That was the first flash of fear you had. The first taste of what he could be like. Remember all those "Muay Thai" moves he'd use on you? God. Remember the little hits, the little shit he'd say to you that would just fucking eat away at you.
He. Is. Never. Going. To. Change.
He isn't even that interesting. Seriously, he's got the military, bikes and his martial arts. Yawwwwn.
Oh, but you would have stayed with him forever, wouldn't you? Because that's what he promised you. Your house and your three kids, Aspen Ann, Brooklyn Nicole and Tucker Alexander. The all night phone calls you would have. The things he helped you through. The sweet fucking lies he'd tell you.
Do you even recall what those nights were like though? Some of them ended in tears and he couldn't even tell. Some of them left you miserable, but you felt guilty for being miserable and so you ignored that emotion, making excuses for him, telling yourself YOU were the problem. Baby, that wasn't true. A boyfriend should make you happy all of the time.
Your subconscious knew you were secretly miserable and terrified and scared and insecure and it tried to tell you. You were miserable all the damn time, but the minute you talked to him everything was okay again. That wasn't because he made everything okay, it was because you weren't so desperately alone in that sea of misery THAT HE CREATED. All of those neurotic, jealous feelings you had went away completely after y'all broke up. You were okay again after y'all broke up. You only miss the attention he'd pay to you. But again, that's all just a part of his game to make you fall for him because he's afraid he'll end up alone.
He would call you names, Allie. Nutjob, freak, psycho. Yeah. You thought they were all in jest but come on. In every lie, there's a bit of truth. Allie, baby. Listen to me. He was so bad for you. Yeah, he paid attention to the little details about you. That seems sweet because he was the first one to ever do that for you but he didn't even TRY to work things out with you, he just left for another girl, AGAIN. That isn't love, sweetie. And look at you, you're so strong babygirl. You cut him out of your life, you put him in his place, you didn't give in when it counted and ohmygod that was incredible, honey! You laugh more than you used to, in my opinion. You still want to tell Montana when something funny or good happens, but that urge will go away. It has to. He won't be a part of your life forever. Instead he'll just be a lesson learned.
When you do find love-like, actual love-it is going to be so beautiful. I promise. It will never make you feel the way you did with him. That's okay. That is a GOOD thing.
Montana wanted sex. Sex and that is all. Not you, and everything that comes with you.
Montana is the worst guy ever. There are much better guys out there.
I mean, once you've scrapped the bottom of the barrel, it's pretty hard to get lower, y'know ;)
Smile. It's such a pretty smile. And that giggle, ohmygod. It makes you, baby.
You've got a good life. It's too good to waste on some hormone-controlled player. Love lasts. Look at Mrs. Conley's marriage. You WILL find love like that. How could you not?
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Friday, March 15, 2013
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Saturday, November 3, 2012
I'm alone
Last night, I skyped with M for a long time. And I was looking at him through my screen and feeling really optimistic about making this friendship work. It was going good. And then I went to bed and had 2 (TWO) dreams about him. We kissed both times and he picked me up and made me wrap my legs around him as we kissed and god it just felt so right and so good. I woke up in this funk I haven't been able to shake all day. I just feel...depressed. Like, I get that he loves her. I get that she makes him happy. I get that we're just friends. But I cannot stop thinking about him or wishing he was right beside me. This makes me a bad person. But when we met at the park, he kissed me on the cheek twice. And that just confused me. Because we were throwing each other in the snow and wrestling the way we used too and he kept coming up behind me and wrapping his arms around me the way he used to and when he dropped me off, he whispered "i'm being stupid, arent i" and i whispered "about what" and he said "her" and I took that to mean he was being stupid for going to her when he could have stayed with me but then when he left he promptly called her and it just hurts so much right now that i can't even see an end to it. this isn't okay. because while half of me knows i can't have him, the other half of me is screaming "well why not?" and everything i'm reading is saying "fight for love" but i can't because i refuse to do that to myself. i cannot keep doing this to myself. im killing myself and it feels exactly like drowning when you know theres a life preserver right next to you. i'm going to bed.
that's a lie.
i'm going to stay awake and make plans and make myself feel better before i sleep.
goodluck
that's a lie.
i'm going to stay awake and make plans and make myself feel better before i sleep.
goodluck
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Dear Future Self...On the issue of Boys.
Read this when you want him back:
Hi Lee.
Are you thinking about him? Don't. He wasn't worth it. And I know you'll disagree with that. I KNOW it. But try and remember all the times you would get irritated with him. When he'd push you to tell him something you didn't want to. When he always had to be better than you. When he'd do muay thai moves on you. And I know you would have put up with that forever, because you cared so much for this boy. But he is happy. He loves her. He left you, FOR HER. And you know what? You are better because of it. You are beautiful and strong and incredible. There WILL be other guys, guys who will make your heart skip a beat and make your stomach sprout butterflies. There will be a guy, or two or five who make you forget about M and all the pain you are feeling right now. And I don't know when it will happen, but it will. Maybe in five years, maybe in seven, maybe in a month. I don't know, but it will. And when you find a guy who will treat you right, and perservere through everything with you, you will realize that M was necessary so that you could appreciate this guy. I think that everything happens for a reason, and for three months, you had this beautiful, exquisite relationship so that you could learn this one simple lesson: You deserve the best. Not close to the best, or almost the best, THE BEST. You deserve that guy who you can call crying at 4am. You deserve the guy who will take silly pictures with you, and bake cakes, and pick you up in his car, and kiss you in the rain, and buy you starbucks, and play with your hair, and kiss your neck, and kiss your shoulder. You deserve that guy, and that guy ISN'T M, no matter how much you want him to be. I'm so sorry honey, I know a thousand words would never be able to make you stop missing him, but you will be okay. You will grow old and you will meet so many amazing boys. You will remain friends with M, and maybe one day, you'll look up and realize that thinking about him doesn't hurt anymore, and talking to him isn't painful. And you'll look back and see how far you both have come and you'll be proud of yourself and of him and you will smile. You will smile. A boy will make you smile, and it will be a million smiles and a thousand boys and you will make it through this, because you are incredible. There will be a guy who'll compromise and put your happiness first, and send you good morning messages, and buy you flowers, and who'll wake up next to you and come home from work to you and who will go on thousands of dates with you. You will have gorgeous children and when your daughter or daughters have their hearts broken by their first loves in high school, you will look at them and share your story of a boy named M, who was actually born in Nebraska, and who broke your heart. And then hopefully, you'll call him up and tell him, and you will both laugh and move on with your lives. Honey, you will get past this. You will have a wonderful career, an amazing family, a house that you'll turn into a home, and friends, and he will hopefully be one of those friends. And you will wake up one day and realize that your heart doesn't hurt and that you can remember things without crying. And then you'll be okay. You'll be okay, because there are only happy endings, so if you aren't happy, it isn't the end. You will be alright. I know you loved him. I know you really could see yourself spending eternity with him, and that you still hold onto a hope that you'll get back together, but it wont happen. And that's okay, because that just means you have the freedom to learn from everything, and then move on and find someone who can make you happier. and I know that looks so impossible right now, but you CAN do it, and you WILL do it. You're beautiful. I love you.
Hi Lee.
Are you thinking about him? Don't. He wasn't worth it. And I know you'll disagree with that. I KNOW it. But try and remember all the times you would get irritated with him. When he'd push you to tell him something you didn't want to. When he always had to be better than you. When he'd do muay thai moves on you. And I know you would have put up with that forever, because you cared so much for this boy. But he is happy. He loves her. He left you, FOR HER. And you know what? You are better because of it. You are beautiful and strong and incredible. There WILL be other guys, guys who will make your heart skip a beat and make your stomach sprout butterflies. There will be a guy, or two or five who make you forget about M and all the pain you are feeling right now. And I don't know when it will happen, but it will. Maybe in five years, maybe in seven, maybe in a month. I don't know, but it will. And when you find a guy who will treat you right, and perservere through everything with you, you will realize that M was necessary so that you could appreciate this guy. I think that everything happens for a reason, and for three months, you had this beautiful, exquisite relationship so that you could learn this one simple lesson: You deserve the best. Not close to the best, or almost the best, THE BEST. You deserve that guy who you can call crying at 4am. You deserve the guy who will take silly pictures with you, and bake cakes, and pick you up in his car, and kiss you in the rain, and buy you starbucks, and play with your hair, and kiss your neck, and kiss your shoulder. You deserve that guy, and that guy ISN'T M, no matter how much you want him to be. I'm so sorry honey, I know a thousand words would never be able to make you stop missing him, but you will be okay. You will grow old and you will meet so many amazing boys. You will remain friends with M, and maybe one day, you'll look up and realize that thinking about him doesn't hurt anymore, and talking to him isn't painful. And you'll look back and see how far you both have come and you'll be proud of yourself and of him and you will smile. You will smile. A boy will make you smile, and it will be a million smiles and a thousand boys and you will make it through this, because you are incredible. There will be a guy who'll compromise and put your happiness first, and send you good morning messages, and buy you flowers, and who'll wake up next to you and come home from work to you and who will go on thousands of dates with you. You will have gorgeous children and when your daughter or daughters have their hearts broken by their first loves in high school, you will look at them and share your story of a boy named M, who was actually born in Nebraska, and who broke your heart. And then hopefully, you'll call him up and tell him, and you will both laugh and move on with your lives. Honey, you will get past this. You will have a wonderful career, an amazing family, a house that you'll turn into a home, and friends, and he will hopefully be one of those friends. And you will wake up one day and realize that your heart doesn't hurt and that you can remember things without crying. And then you'll be okay. You'll be okay, because there are only happy endings, so if you aren't happy, it isn't the end. You will be alright. I know you loved him. I know you really could see yourself spending eternity with him, and that you still hold onto a hope that you'll get back together, but it wont happen. And that's okay, because that just means you have the freedom to learn from everything, and then move on and find someone who can make you happier. and I know that looks so impossible right now, but you CAN do it, and you WILL do it. You're beautiful. I love you.
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)