Collarbones

I think I'm slowly losing my mind. I'm used to being smart. I depend on my brains. High school is full of dumbasses. I got into a school for the Gifted and Talented because of my ability to write. The sentences I put together barely make sense anymore and the part of me that used to stop and think rationally is gone and there is only this thing inside of my head that tells me to go and go and go so far that even if I tried I'd never be able to get back to where I came from. "State your thesis then give me reasons...reasons why your thesis is true, each reason supported by two or three examples from the text" but if my life is a book then theres no way I'd be able to prove anything to you, except maybe that I come from a fucked up family and a fucked up childhood.
My father raped my brother and all I want in my life is a dependable male. My dad hits me and my mom cries and promises me we'll leave, we'll leave, it'll be okay cuz we'll leave. My brother wants nothing to do with me and I can feel the hate, the guilt, the utter lack of feeling towards me when we Skype. We never Skype alone, I'm always with my sister and sometimes his baby girl MacKenzie joins him at his computer. I want to meet MacKenzie and yet I never want to meet MacKenzie.
I was almost named MacKenzie, you know. I was almost named a lot of things and it seems fitting that I got stuck with a name like mine. So pretty, perhaps thats why I hate it. MacKenzie deserves so much more than I can give her, so much more then stories of a fucked up childhood and "oh Kenzie, you'll never guess what your sonofabitch father did then."
I get my anger from my dad and he tells me my mom is worried that after I get my license I'll drive away and never come back and I'll never tell her how she hit the nail on the head with that prediction, because thats exactly what I want to do. I want to drive and drive and drive until I fall off the edge of the world.
And its like everytime I talk to someone they can't understand and I'm slipping and I'm falling so far away that I'm afraid I won't find myself and I can't find myself, the old me, the one who never ever was like this, couldn't imagine losing an ounce of control, let alone the entire goddamn thing.
You told me I only care about myself. Yeah, that's true. Baby, its a dog eat dog out there and I'm so afraid I'm going to wind up dead that I kill everyone before they can kill me and it's not even that I didn't care about you, because on some level I did and you know what, I would have brought the goddamn cookies for you the next day if you hadn't shoved me back.
All I want is a good dependable person, someone to lean on when things get rough, but I don't want a dependable person, because I had one and then I shoved them all away and I can't even deal with those "good dependable people" because they all fucking make me sick and I heard somewhere that cussing just proves how ignorant you are as a human being. Wanna know what I say to that? OH YEAH MOTHERFUCKERS? WELL FUCKING SUCK YOUR OWN FUCKING COCKS YOU WHORISH ASSHOLE MOTHERFUCKING BITCHES.
I try so hard everyday to hold it together for everyone else when they can't even be bothered to do the same.
And Ally, you were supposed to be there for my first date. But you left me and I can't even...
It's not your fault.
I made flan. It sucked. It was Jello Flan, that's why. And they tell me I'm good at baking, which scareds me because I don't want to be good at anything ever again. Not since swimming blew up in my face. When you told him I used to be on the swim team, I couldn't even look at him. That "oh, really?" killed me, and when you told him I was good at it, I wanted to throw a temper tantrum. They say you have to love something with every fibre of your being, every ounce of yourself, but every bit of passion into it, before you can ever truly hate it. Well guess what? I HATE SWIMMING.
My collarbones are the only parts of myself that I like and at night I run my hands over them and feel them sticking out more prominently then ever before. The only thing that sticks out. My hips will get there soon. 125.5. It was a miracle to see that number on the scale. And during my period too! Look, Ma, No food!! Haha I'm clever. I'm clever and funny and going to Hell because the things I laugh at are things that are not funny in the slightest. I love you baby doll. Don't ever be like your cousin,  ok? Cuz you'll fuck up your life.
Or maybe you should fuck up your life, and I'll help you, just so we can have something to talk about.

Numbers

125.5

also...
2-3-12.

Hella happy right now.
He's a boy from my past...
He'll be good for me.
For sure.
Goodnight beautifuls!